Archive for Transport for London

Nonsense Time – English Humour!

Posted in America, Britain, England, Europe, Modern World, Travel, UK, USA with tags , , , on 17/07/2013 by floroy1942

If there is one thing that shines out as a British benefit to the world it is their humour. Every culture has its own brand of humour, but none have been exported all across the globe like that of the British.

The following was sent to me by a friend and I would like to share it with you. All were reported in the British press at one time or another, and have been collected together by some unknown person who receives my thanks. Enjoy:

From the British Newspapers: 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’ (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler’.” ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 

There can be no doubt that even London Underground train drivers have a sense of humour when broadcasting messages over the train’s tannoy system:

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’

9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your  @rse sideways!’

14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’

My sincere thanks to the anonymous person who collected these stories that we can all have a bright moment.

Roy.

OlympicsTo Be Hit By Another Strike

Posted in Britain, England, Immigration, Insurgents, UK with tags , , , on 20/07/2012 by floroy1942

What is the matter with people these days? This week, just ten days away from the grand opening of the 2012 Olympic Games in London, the UK Border Agency (UKBA) workers have said they will go on strike the day before the opening. Whatever happened to national pride at a time when the UK will be the focal point of the world?

As a nation have we become so consumed by self-interest that we cannot spare a moment for the reputation of our country across the world?

There have been a number of fiasco’s recently in connection with the games, what with the security company G4S not living up to their contractual commitment meaning troops will have to fill the gap, and the UKBA recently failing in their task by allowing hundreds of thousands of people to enter the country without any proper checks. I should imagine after that particular fiasco, insurgents were surprised at how easy it was to enter the country to prepare whatever they have in store for the games.

The sheer audacity of the UKBA staff deciding to strike for 24 hrs before the games is a slap in the face for every honest and patriotic Brit. Maybe they do have some legitimate grievances like people losing their jobs and privatizing parts of the service in order to cut costs, something I might add that is desperately needed, but to hit the olympics like this is no answer. Our country can expect to see tens of millions of visitors from all across the world and the reputation of the entire country is at stake.

In the past months we have seen overland and underground rail workers, bus drivers and taxi drivers all threatening strike action during the games if their demands are not met for an olympic bonus of between £500 and £1000 just for doing their job! Its holding the country to ransom and who will be next, toilet cleaners and binmen? This whole strike scenario has been shameful, disgusting, and immoral right from the beginning. To me it is a shame that a few of these Labour Union agitators cannot be taken out and hanged in public as a lesson and a warning that British pride and patriotism will not be taken hostage at a time when the reputation of our once (sadly) great nation is at stake!!!

Roy.

Now Bus Drivers Hold the Olympic Games To Ransom

Posted in Britain, England, Modern World, Ransom, Traffic, Travel, UK with tags , , , , on 17/05/2012 by floroy1942

The gaze of the whole world will be on Great Britain and London in a few weeks time and it should be every Brit’s desire to make the event pass off smoothly, but what do we get? Yet another example of the greed in today’s society unfolding as now London’s bus drivers threaten to strike for more pay during the Olympic Games. They are one of a long list of public transport workers who have threatened to strike either before, or during the games, which start in just a few weeks.

The bus drivers are complaining that they should receive an extra bonus of £500 for working during the games over and above their normal wage and overtime payments. They say that London Underground, London Overground, Docklands Light Railways, Network Rail and Virgin will all receive between £500 to £900 pounds in extra payments and they feel they should receive the same. Who will be next, street cleaners, bin-men, traffic wardens, parking attendants, shop assistants, hotel bellhops and people walking their dog? The list is endless and its too ludicrous for words.

There will be an estimated 800,000 people travelling on the London bus network for the duration of the games, but that doesn’t give these money grabbing parasites the right to hold the country to ransom just so they can earn more beer money, and the same goes for all the other transport workers!

The Famous London Double-Decker

There are around 20,000 bus employees involved, and a £500 bonus for all would cost approximately £10 million, which you can figure will immediately be passed on to passengers in higher fares, as will the bonuses received by other transport workers.

These people know how vital their role will be in getting olympic visitors to their various destinations, and they know they hold all the aces, so this is just sheer profiteering at the expense of the public and the nation. The sticking point at the moment is that Transport for London (TfL), the company responsible for the buses say the drivers are all hired by 21 private firms so it not them who can decide.

Kavanagh In Action

The Unite Union’s regional secretary for London, Peter Kavanagh, said: “With 72 days left until the Games begin and a strike ballot under way, it’s astonishing that bus operators are still doing zero to resolve this dispute and TfL is refusing to get involved. Passengers should direct their anger at TfL and the bus companies. Their behaviour is a massive dereliction of duty to London”. He added, “If bus workers take strike action up to and during the Olympic Games the bus companies and TfL will be to blame.” Bullshit!

There can be little doubt that all the transport workers in London in general have held the nation to ransom in order to get an unjust payment over and above their normal salary and overtime bonuses at a time when the pride of the nation is at stake. These idiots are directing their wrath at the bus operator which has clearly stated that is has nothing to do with the rates of pay of drivers employed by private companies, but this doesn’t seem to sink in.

 

Leon Daniels Of TfL

Leon Daniels, TfL’s managing director of surface transport, said: “London bus drivers are employed by private bus companies and their pay and conditions are set by those companies. If bus drivers are required to work additional hours they are always paid overtime accordingly.”

The idea that you do your job on a daily basis for a fair day’s pay seems to have evaporated over time. In my opinion, just because the bus and train systems in London are going to be busier than usual does not entitle any of these vermin to an extra bonus. When is the next demand for a bonus going to come? Perhaps when we have extra visitors during the Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebrations, or the next European Football Cup or World Cup.

Is this now going to be the pattern for the future? If it is, then pretty soon even the rich will not be able to afford to ride on the trains and buses in London. Whatever happened to national pride and the idea of gracious hospitality? I find it really sad, and a fine example of the petty greed and self-interest that is so prevalent in today’s society.

Roy. 

Snippets of News and Nonsense

Posted in Arab, Britain, Child Discipline, Children, Diabetes, England, English Schools, Human Rights, Immigrants, Insanity, Islamic Revolution, Modern World, MP's, Muslim, Obesity, Overweight, Police Complaints, Primary Schools, Terrorism, Theft, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/02/2010 by floroy1942

Desperate Dan

The news these days is often like reading the old time comic books. There are some strange stories out there that find their way into print. Take the case of a woman who had her car stolen while she was delivering a parcel. An opportunistic thief jumped into her car and drove off with the woman’s 3 year-old daughter in the back. The police found the car abandoned some 20 minutes later with the girl safe. It was removed by the police for forensic examination, and the victim received a letter from the tow company working for the police to say she would have to pay £150 to get her car back because it had been ‘abandoned’. According to a police spokesman, this was standard practice for abandoned cars. But it wasn’t abandoned, it was stolen the woman said, but she still had to pay. How nutty can you get!

It can be revealed that Gordon Brown the UK Prime Minister has changed his favourite snack from Kit-Kat chocolate bars to bananas. He now eats 9 a day. His reason, he wants to appear ‘radiant’ for the General Election. It seems they contain tryptophan, an amino acid that can be converted into seratonin by the body which then improves your mood. Doctors say that consuming so many bananas every day can cause gastrointestinal problems and flatulence. It would certainly be unseemly for the Prime Minister to have an attack of flatulence during a speech! – “I can assure you” Phuuurmh! “this government will” Phuuurmh! “lead our country for the next four years” Phuuurmh!”

Better cut down on the banana’s Gordon.

It has just been reported that in 2009 over 2,000 people in the UK claimed benefit because they were too fat to work! This figure is only slightly less than the figures for 2008 when 2,070 people claimed benefit on the grounds of obesity. Currently this is costing the tax-payer £10m a year and the figures are set to rise annually. It is estimated that 17% of men and more than 25% of women are now obese in Britain, and among the country’s youth more than 33% are now considered overweight. The problem is only going to get worse. The down side, especially for the overweight youth of today, is that life expectancy will be down by 10-15 years. Even now, overweight people are struggling to live past 55 years of age. The answer is obviously a strict diet and exercise!

Yesterday, passengers on a number 24 bus in London were left gob-smacked when their driver suddenly stopped the bus and got out of his cab leaving the engine running. He laid out a mat on the floor of the bus by the exit and to the astonishment of all, after removing his shoes knelt down and started to pray. He was a Muslim. It was 5 minutes before he got back into the cab and continued the journey. Good job he wasn’t a pilot! Inshallah!

A Greek Cypriot ex-teacher of Bigland Green Primary School in Tower Hamlets London is suing his old school for racial discrimination. He had complained to the headmistress Jill Hankey that the children in his class, 8-10 year-old Muslims, were uttering openly racist and extremist comments. Some were; “We want to be Islamic bombers when we grow up”, and “Kill all Christians and Jews”. Once when he accidentally brushed against a boy, the child turned on him and said “Don’t touch me, you are a Christian”.  Most of the class said they thought the 9/11 bombers were heroes and martyrs. The teacher, Nicholas Koufuris claims he was forced out of his job by the headmistress for complaining about what was being said in his classroom. Each time he mentioned it she made excuses to justify the comments. My only comment is, that if children of such a young age are being corrupted to such a degree, and this behaviour is widespread among Muslim children, then Britain and perhaps the western world are headed for big trouble.

Have you heard about he woman who thought her swollen stomach was due to a complication with an ovarian cyst and found out she was 7 months pregnant? She had been diagnosed as having an ovarian cyst, an under-developed womb and blocked fallopian tubes in her early twenties. When her belly began to swell she thought it was to do with her illness because she had been told she would never bear a child. Eventually she went to her doctor who diagnosed that she was 7 months pregnant. Now at the age of 33, she had a premature baby girl 2 weeks later. The wonders of nature!

Harriet Harman, Gordon Brown’s Minister for Equality and Leader of the House of Commons is back in the news for all the wrong reasons. Her latest plan is to ‘outlaw’ the word Chairman! She feels that the name is sexist and should be replaced by ‘Chair’ or Chairperson’ or even ‘Occupant of the Chair’. She also wants the Chairman’s Panel to be called ‘The Panel of Chairs’. Grow Up Harriet! You would be far better employed ensuring the Muslim Burka is banned from the streets of Britain! Oh Damn! Of course you can’t do that because it would upset the Muslims!

Just another day in paradise!

Roy

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