Archive for Senior Citizen

Friday Laugh

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, England, Europe, Modern World, News, Teens, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 13/03/2015 by floroy1942

 cartoon

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, “Oi Paddy, what ya doing?”
Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”

An Irishman sends his wife a text message while down at the pub.

You've Got Mail

A doctor in Dublin, feeling overworked wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”. “Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says Murphy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the tird one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: “HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”

cartoon-image

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me? Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban deed.” Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason eez that I am better at sex dan you in da bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No Senora….”The gardener deed.” Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

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A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge… so they stopped and parked their Harley’s. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she  says. While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her…  “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker leader says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.  Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

The authorities think she may have been pushed…

‘Til next Time.

Roy.

Nonsense Too

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Old Age Pensioner, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 25/01/2015 by floroy1942

Without humour you might as well be dead so here is my latest offering. I hope you enjoy it.

12 Italian Priests
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up…and all the other bells started to ring.

The Blind Cowboy

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in Karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m going to have to explain it five times…”

Not A Difficult Joice

Not A Difficult Joice

Bob and the Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her £20 note to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.

Dogs

 World Phone Survey

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
“Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Getting Old In 2055

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

‘WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS FOR

1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN FOR A SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!’

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

  You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. You may say ‘What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?’

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

OOPS!

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

Nonsense Time

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, UK, USA with tags , , , on 23/01/2015 by floroy1942

Commenting on the news is all well and good, but now and then I like to bring you something light-hearted. So to cheer you up here are a few gems.

Girls Take Note

Girls Take Note

In the men’s room this morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he hadn’t seen his pecker in 15 years. Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said “Why don’t you diet?” Giving me a surprised stare, he said, “Dye it? For God’s sake, what colour is it now?”

Ah! The Good Old Days

Ah! The Good Old Days

Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff ……I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town, cowboy.. ‘
‘And here I am.’
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!

Good Idea!

Good Idea!

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Why, yes I am!” So they went to his place.

When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

The Big Letdown

The Big Let-down

Sounds Familiar.

God looked down upon Seniors and decided most seniors don’t get enough exercise. So, in his wisdom, God decreed that seniors would become forgetful that they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things misplaced and move around more. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was yet another need. So God in his wisdom made seniors lose coordination that they would drop things, which would require them to bend and reach and stretch.And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently, requiring more walking to the relief station, which would burn calories. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and did become more active as a result. So if you find you are required to get up and down more as you age, remember it’s God’s will and in your best interest, even though you mutter under your breath. Amen!

Nuff  Said!

‘Nuff Said!

5097 married men were surveyed as to why they liked oral sex

  1% liked the warmth,

      2% liked the sensation,

     3% liked the eroticism,

             94% just liked the peace and quiet.

Mine's Bigger Than Yours

Mine’s Bigger Than Yours

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Self Explanatory

Self Explanatory

‘Til next time. Have a great day.

Roy.

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