Archive for Pensioners

Joke Time!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 05/05/2015 by floroy1942

Stray Bar

 

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

 Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

cartoon

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

funny quote

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

jokes

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

hilarious

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.

‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’

text

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

 Mum: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

 Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

best cartoon

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

 ‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

 The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

 The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

 Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

fuuny

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’

Husband: Nothing.

 Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

 Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

 Dog


Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’

 Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

 Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

‘Til next time.

Roy.

The Weekend Is Here!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, Teens with tags , , , , on 06/03/2015 by floroy1942

Little

Joe And Paddy

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

Funny-cartoon-and-now-relax

Age Has It!

An  elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland  had owned a large farm for several years. He  had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach  trees. One evening the old farmer decided to  go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a  while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty  litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he  neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and  laughing with glee.  As he came closer,  he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping  in his pond. He made the women aware of his  presence and they all went to the deep  end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re  not coming out until you leave!’ The old man  frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond  naked.’ Holding the bucket up he  said, ‘I’m here to feed the  crocodile…’
Some old men can still think  fast.

Funny-Cartoon-43

Birthday Treat

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. “I’d like to be eight again” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Funny-cartoons

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

funny-cartoon-pictures-29

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

Time For A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Germany, News, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 31/10/2014 by floroy1942

 Life is what you make it, and to have a good laugh now and then does you good.

Financial Planning

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!


 A Winter Tale

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the wife went out and moved their car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The wife went out and moved their car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…………”  then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”


 One Liners.

I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the side-walk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct answer either.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber  jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway


My First Drink With My Son

I was readings an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – so I had it. Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it. It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.


 Row, Row, Row Your Boat!

image111

 News Flash from Vancouver…….

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of BC today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Canada, towards Asia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white Canadians who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.

 We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.
 
REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65 !

Hope you liked it.

Roy.

Inadequate Testing Of Medicines?

Posted in Britain, England, Europe, Germany, Old Age Pensioner, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , , on 24/06/2011 by floroy1942

I have long been of the opinion that many of the medicines we regularly throw down our throats are not always as safe as the makers will have us believe. A new report out today indicates this may well be true.

A study which has appeared in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society reports that many drugs taken by the over 65’s, which let’s face it, are when we most need them, can in fact be harmful and lead to reduced brain function and even death. Many of the 80 drugs tested are ‘over-the-counter’ medicines like codeine, while others are prescription only.

Many older people take drugs for heart disease, depression and allergies among other things but the most significant danger was for those taking certain ‘high risk’ medication or a ‘cocktail’ of medicines on a daily basis.

Brain Cell Activity

The research team was concentrating on drugs that affected the working of a particular chemical in the brain, namely acetylcholine. This is a neurotransmitter that passes messages between the the nerve cells in the brain, but the working of this chemical is often interrupted by side-affects from many modern medicines.

Among 13,000 old timers surveyed from 1991 to 1993, of those taking drugs that affected brain cell activity the most, 20% died. From another group taking no anticholinergic drugs that did not affect brain function, only 4 % died. The report does stress that anyone taking medicines should not under any circumstances stop taking them without first consulting with their doctor.

The researchers say that the results are not conclusive and in no way indicate that taking them will kill you, but they do indicate there is ‘an association’. In the meanwhile the research will continue.

Urticaria - It Can Itch Like Hell!

I myself had a few months of fairly mild urticaria (similar to nettle rash) which was caused by the unfortunate combination of two medicines prescribed by my doctor. I had been taking one drug for about six years (and no its not on the list) with no ill effects at all. It did the job it was supposed to do and everything was fine. Last year I had another small problem, nothing significant, but my doctor prescribed me a drug to solve it. The combination of the two in my system was sufficient to cause the skin sickness. Since that time I no longer take the second medicine and have changed the older one. Now after many months I am free of it again (touch wood!).

New advances are being made on drug therapy on a daily basis and most are ‘fit for purpose’. The drug companies test them first on rats and mice and then proceed to ‘clinical trials’, which if successful will lead to it being submitted to the relevant government department for approval before being released for general use.

The Result Of Thalidomide Not Being Properly Tested!

For sure, these companies do not want a repeat of the thalidomide disaster of the sixties, for that caused horrific birth defects in children in which an entire generation suffered. This episode has haunted the pharmaceutical industry for forty years,  so they have to be careful.

They always point out that you should read the accompanying leaflet that comes with all medicines these days, and some people do while others don’t bother. I must admit that after my little escapade I pay much more attention than I used to.

A New Wonder Drug In The Making?

My concern however is that pharmaceutical companies and doctors should pay more attention to testing. It is not sufficient to grab ten people off the street, ram them full of your new ‘wonder drug’ and hope for the best. Yes! I know its not that simple but you know what I mean.

I know it is a big headache for the drug companies because everyone’s physiology is different, and what may be good for one is no good for the other, but that doesn’t release them from their basic responsibility.

If, as in the case of the drugs mentioned in this report, certain medicines can interfere with brain function, then more thorough testing should have been done in this area, even if it involved a long term study. You cannot sell medicines that will eventually cause dementia or even death in patients.

A Pensioner's Lottery Ticket?

The trouble is of course, these days everything is driven by profit, and among pharmaceutical companies like all others, competition is fierce. They are constantly striving to be the first to bring out a new wonder drug, and I will be the first to admit they have changed the lives of a great many people. We live longer, even with deadly diseases like cancer because of this industry and naturally enough we are all thankful. In general they do a good job, but I have to say this new research leaves room for thought.

Roy.

Age Challenged (politically correct) Exodus

Posted in Britain, England, Immigrants, Modern World, Old Age Pensioner, Senior Citizen, Spain, Teen alcohol abuse, Teen Violence, Teens, Travel, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 06/03/2010 by floroy1942

Good-bye Britain

It would seem those with the most common sense, and can afford it, are leaving Britain in droves. And why not? Statistics published today by the Home Office reveal that people over the age of 55 are emigrating as fast as they can get their bags packed. The main reasons are, fear of crime (but Gordon said…….), the weather, and the ‘creaking economy’. The Home Office graph shows the sharp rise in emigration since Labour came to power. No surprises there!

Only this last week Gordon Brown was castigating the Conservative Party for stoking people’s fear of crime in an effort to win the election. According to our erstwhile ‘I’m in touch with the people’ Prime Minister, this was all a pack of lies! Could it be then that all the emigrants are Tory voters who were conned by David Cameron?

Drunken Violence

Take a walk through the centre of any town or city of a Saturday evening if you dare. The drunken teenager culture so prevalent in English life today means you will more likely end up in the casualty department of your local hospital rather than back at home. When you consider that you are not even safe in your own home there has to be a point when people say enough is enough! But not to worry folks, it’s all Tory propaganda!

English Winter

No-one can fault people for wanting to get away from today’s dull, grey and wet English weather and exchange it for a life in the sun, you would be mad if you loved English weather! Like me, most over 50’s will remember when summer’s were real. First the awakening of Mother Nature after her winter sleep with the woods (we had them then) carpeted with snowdrops, daffodils and bluebells, followed by three months of balmy warm weather slowly moving into autumn and harvest time as the leaves turned all colours of brown. Not any more, climate change has taken care of that. Now the British people, and others, are faced with major storms, snow and ice, and not to forget the annual flooding that has become a main feature of English weather.

Spanish Winter

As far as the ‘creaking economy’ is concerned, life must surely be better somewhere else. Gordon Brown, along with the aid of the bankers, has driven the country into debt to the tune of billions of pounds, and its anybody’s guess as to when the economy will recover. But immigrants are still given thousands of pounds in handouts which they should not be entitled to (some to pay for the £2 million houses they are living in) just so Labour has their votes.

John Bull

Quite rightly, most people in this age group feel that Britain has lost its national identity and is unrecognisable from the country they grew up in. They have seen the gradual erosion of the British way of life, sucked out by the Labour Party since it came to power. In those far off days crime was so low that it wasn’t even necessary to lock your door when you went away on holiday. My grandparents never did, but try that today and you will find your house empty when you return.

The Home Office figures reveal that a staggering 42% of people over 55 wish to leave for sunnier climes, and 38% hope to do it in the next 5 years. The most favoured places for ex-pats are France, Spain and Cyprus, with many considering, or have moved to, Australia and New Zealand. It is certain that the unexpectedly high exodus of the moment is but a drop in the ocean compared to what it will be in five to ten years time. By then I fully expect the percentages to increase dramatically as people get so fed up with it all they do not even wait for retirement.

It all goes to prove that this once mighty and proud nation is finished. Ethnic Britons might just as well get out and leave the land to the immigrants and their ‘masters’, the Labour Party. History has shown that the glory of any nation is but transitory, and now it is the turn of Britain.

Last One? Turn Out the Lights!

I once joked, ‘Will the last Englishman to leave the country please turn out the lights’. Little did I realise the time for ‘lights out’ was so close. Sometime within the next twenty years the immigrant population in the UK will be high enough for them to take over completely and when that time comes I can see a mad scramble for the boats.

There will be many who think I am mad because of my views, but Hear Ye!, many people thought Enoch Powell was mad when he made his famous speech in the House of Commons, and he turned out to be right! History will prove one of us right!

I shouldn’t be so gloomy, after all at my age it hardly matters. Does it?

Roy.

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