Archive for Mcdonalds

Relax, Take A Breath, And Have A Laugh!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Modern World, News, UK with tags , , , , on 14/11/2014 by floroy1942

Thank goodness the weekend is not too far away, and if you have survived the week until now then this will lift your spirits until it gets here.

Kids And Their Questions

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 50, they are like onions.”

“ONIONS”?

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

Yes.   The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Married life

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

Paradise

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!” The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?” And Allah replied, “Who said anything about women?”

If You Have An Itch

They Say If your Palm Is Itching you’ll Get Money, If Your Toes Are Itching you’ll Get New Shoes and also Travel,
If your penis is Itching…? Don’t Fool Yourself … Go To The Doc

Getting Married

I made my girlfriends’ wishes come true by getting married in a castle. Although you wouldn’t have thought it from her face as we were bouncing around.

Good Excuse

Good Excuse

Modern Life

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn’t start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world shit hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun dress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

Keep Smiling.

Roy.

Crazy? You Couldn’t Make It Up! Series 1 Episode 5

Posted in Britain, England, Insanity, Modern World, Obesity, Overweight, Traffic, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/03/2010 by floroy1942

This last week has seen another crop of crazy and off-beat stories in the English Press. Some are so mind-boggling that one has to wonder at the intelligence level of people and institutions, but on the other hand, some of it is good-ish. Even the Labour Government falls into the weird category with the first story this week (Nothings changed there then!).

Mmmm! Delicious!

The government National Food Agency (FSA) is asking fish and chip shops to sell thicker chips rather than the normal chips because they say it will help in the Labour battle against obesity in the land. According to the ‘experts’, thicker chips contain less fat than their thinner counterpart, and are therefore ‘more healthy’. That is, if chips can be considered healthy at all.

Food Tasting

In a pilot scheme, the FSA is sending out ‘advisors’ to all fish and chip shops in Cambridgeshire who will measure the fat content of chips on sale, and advise the owner on improvements. Should this prove satisfactory the scheme will be applied to the whole country.

Needless to say, the attitude of the retailers is “Hands off our chips” because they say, fast food outlets sell extremely thin French fries

A La Fast Food!

while theirs are much thicker. And they do have a point! If you have ever been to Burger King, KFC or the American Embassy (Mcdonald’s to the uninitiated) you will find their chips are like matchsticks. Its probably all a storm in a teacup, but considering the British eat 1.5 million tons of chips a year as part of 225 million meals served per year. Thats an awful lot of chips off the old block!!!

If you have a yen(?) to go to Beijing in China you may be interested to know that the Chinese are planning to build a railway line with high

The Harmony Express

speed trains that will get you there, from London, in two days. That’s 5,070 miles (following the crow) in just two days, or if you go on to Singapore you will cover 6,750 miles in three days. Fair takes the breath away!

These clever people are planning routes from China to Europe, India, Pakistan, Vietnam, Thailand, Burma, Malaysia and Singapore.

The trains will run at 200 mph across 17 countries crossing the continents of Asia and Europe in a network connecting all the major cities. They are currently expanding their domestic rail routes with an extra 19,000 miles of track, and already have the world’s fastest train, the Harmony

All Strapped In - Ready to Go.

Express which travels at an amazing 250 mph. I hope the passengers have some means of ejection other than the conductor throwing them off the train (ejector seats!!!) You have to hand it to these fiendishly clever Orientals. I doubt Confucius has a saying to cover that!!!

Have you heard the one about the pharmacy assistant who refused to give a 38 year-old woman ‘The Pill’ because it was against her religion? It happened to Janine Deeley, a mother with two children, who took a doctor’s prescription to her local chemist. She was

The Pharmacy

prescribed the pill by her doctor because she suffers from a condition that gives her extreme abdominal pains during ‘that time of the month’ (you know what I mean, well, women do anyway). When she went to have her prescription filled the assistant refused to give her ‘the pill’ because she said it was against her religion!

Needless to say, Ms. Deeley complained and after the story hit the Press the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great

RSPGB

Britain (RPSGB) said the pharmacist was acting within her rights. According to this high and mighty clique, a pharmacist has the right to refuse such a request on religious grounds, providing they make no attempt to force their personal view on someone else. If there were many like her the birth rate would go through the roof!!!

There are many opinions on speed cameras and if you ask the average British motorist he will call them money-making machines for

Speed Camera

the local council. Well, this opinion may well be accurate in at least one case anyway. A particular speed camera at road

Gotcha!

works on the M6 near Carlisle has made £334,000 from 5,569 naughty speed devils for the local council in just five weeks. If the trend continues, this single camera will make £500,000 during the two months it will have taken to repair the road at that point. That is the same as £3 million in a year, which breaks a record by a camera on the M11 which cost unwary drivers £1 million in a single year. Could it be the local councillors are each planning to buy a villa in Spain!!!

If you think the National Health Service in Britain is on its knees you wouldn’t be far wrong, and here is a case in point. Donatella Coppini, who suffers from osteoarthritis of the spine and can only walk with difficulty on crutches, was in such pain her partner was

Southend A&E

forced to take her to the hospital. They arrived in the family car and he parked just 150m away from the entrance while he went inside to ask for assistance in getting her into the A & E Department. To his disbelieve he was told to dial 999 (the emergency number) and call for an ambulance. It was 150m that’s all. They both had to wait in the car until an ambulance arrived and the Paramedics could help her into the hospital.

Ambulance for 150m?

Dr. Caroline Howard, the Clinical Director of A & E at Southend Hospital said staff at Reception were ‘not trained in helping patients’. She went on to add “this is standard procedure” and also “we have a set ratio of nursing staff in our A&E department and if any staff leave the department, it leaves us short to care for patients.”

Perhaps the following sign should be put up by the door! ‘NHS patients are requested not to be ill outside the door of A & E, but if you cannot avoid it please ring 999. Thank you. The Management!!!

Oh to be in England, now the Looneys have taken over!

Roy.

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