Archive for Loony’s

Crazy? You Couldn’t Make It Up! Season 1 Episode 6

Posted in Britain, Children, England, English Schools, Human Rights, Insanity, Modern World, Primary Schools, Traffic, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 29/03/2010 by floroy1942

Idiots abound everywhere, and sometimes they get in the news. The last week or so has seen yet another crop of weird stories which highlight the silliness of people and institutions.

The British Government has taken one more step down the road to stupidity with the recent Equality Act. Harriet Harmon’s Bill now decrees that it is an offence to ‘imply that women are not as strong as men’. For this reason, gym instructors have been told that if they warn a woman not to lift weights too heavy for her they can be prosecuted under the equality law because it insinuates women are not as strong as men.

Most gym instructors will give advice to both men and women during activities like weight lifting, for the simple reason they wish to prevent their clients from ‘over-doing’ it and injuring themselves. So if this will be considered sexual discrimination in the future, I wonder what will happen when someone does hurt themselves? Could it mean the complainant sues Harriet Harmon or the gym? A tricky situation for which we will have to wait an answer!!!

As a policeman, especially in the traffic department, you see some strange happenings on the roads. Officers in Weymouth in Dorset England were amazed to see a car being driven through a busy town with the bonnet (hood) fully up blocking the windscreen. When they pulled over the vehicle they found a 53 year-old woman in the driver seat who said her bonnet was faulty and she was on the way to get it fixed.

She was somewhat indignant when the officer suggested she could not see the road and told him she had been looking through the slit between the raised bonnet and the bottom of the windscreen. What a shame she is too old for the Army, she would make a fine tank driver!!!

The same Force pulled over a man using his elbows to steer his car while he rolled a cigarette and read from a clipboard he had on the wheel, and also a woman with three children on the back seat without seat belts. When asked by the officers why she did not have the children wearing seat belts she replied they were ‘not her children’. I can’t quite make up my mind if that is extremely callous, or stupid. Probably both!!!

A company called Proactol Ltd is advertising for a professional ‘couch potato’ with a salary of £23,750 per annum! Really! The job entails sitting all day long eating junk food and watching TV and video’s. The successful applicant will be required to eat Indian ‘take-away’, Macdonalds meals, pizza, fish and chips and other fatty foods for the their period of employment, plus take the company’s product Proactol. You would essentially be a lab-rat for the scientists who are developing Proactol which they hope will absorb 30% of your daily fat intake. I can imagine the applicants will be lining up around the block, and the next one!!!!

Children are without doubt one of the best sources of amusement, and a short time ago they proved it yet again. One thousand children were polled to mark the start of the National Science and Engineering Week in the UK a couple of weeks ago and were asked questions like ‘Who invented the telephone’. Many thought the Queen invented the telephone, that Charles Darwin discovered fire and Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story) was the first man on the moon.

The minds of children are amazing and it makes me wonder who they think invented the aeroplane? Probably Richard Branson!!!

Political correctness is forever in the news these days, usually for something stupid. Like the man at Gatwick Airport who was asked to remove his T shirt by a security guard because the slogan on it may be considered threatening. A compromise was reached when the man turned it inside out. The words on his T shirt; ‘Freedom or die! So the next time you buy a T shirt, take into consideration the feelings of other air passengers and do not buy one that says; Boom!!!

A survey has been carried out among local councils that are gradually changing English street names to reflect current environmental concerns and ethnic diversity. Names like Acacia Street and making way for new names like Eco Avenue, Euro Close and Sustainability Avenue. Among the ethnic diversity names now in use are Masjid Lane (Muslim for mosque), Khadija Walk (prophet Mohammeds first wife). The list goes on and on. I suppose before long streets where the majority of dwellers are ethnic English will be called ‘Infidel’ Street!!!

Another ‘Health and Safety’ cock-up was unearthed by the media at Manor School in Melksham last week when a 5 year-old boy climbed a 20ft tree during the morning break but was left there by the school staff because they would be breaking H & S rules if they helped him down! In accordance with guidelines, they retired to the school building and ‘observed him from a distance in case they distracted him and caused him to fall’. The child was rescued some 45 mins later by a woman who happened to be passing the school and saw him up the tree. The amazing thing is, when she went into the school with the child, instead of thanking her for her assistance the headmaster called the police charging her with trespassing! It would appear we have now reached the situation where the patients run the mental asylum!!!

Until next time, and remember, there are still sane people in the world, they are just harder to find!

Roy.


Britain – Land of the Loony’s. Part Two

Posted in Britain, England, Modern World, Traffic, UK with tags , , , , , , on 26/01/2010 by floroy1942

I suppose every country has its crazy stories about Loony’s, but Britain seems to have a monopoly recently. Here are some of the latest gems to come from the ‘Green and Pleasant Land’ news columns.

Newcastle Crown Court recently handed down an eight month sentence, suspended for twelve months, to a woman for having noisy sex. The love-making sessions between her and her husband have been heard regularly by her neighbours, passers by on the street, and even the local postman. Caroline Cartwright was given an ASBO (Anti-social Behaviour Order) by the court last April but admitted she broke it almost immediately. Tests carried out in the neighbours apartment have registered sound levels comparable to a loud conversation in the same room. Mrs Cartwright, while apologising for the disruption has admitted she can’t help it. With the court ruling however, she will be abstaining from sexual pleasure for a period of eight months if further complaints are received.

In Nottingham, a man has been fined, twice, for driving at O miles per hour in a 30 mph zone. Outside his house he has a speed camera from the local police, and when someone goes past above the limit, the number plate reading software latches on to his car which is parked just in front of the camera on the side of the road. As he has nowhere else to park he is stuck with the problem. The local police have apologised and say they will look into the problem.

The American Embassy, more commonly known as Macdonalds, has come under fire for a recent advertising campaign in Britain for confusing English slang for a five pence piece with an English pound. The advert, promoting a ‘Pound Saver Menu’ states “An English pound known as a ‘bob’ ” has caused an avalanche of criticism. The reason being, a  ‘bob’ is five pence, not a pound as supposed by Macdonalds. Calls have been made for the advertisement to be changed or withdrawn, although some people have been asking to pay only the five pence as advertised. Either way, the company has egg on its face for not doing sufficient research. Their view, incorrect as it may be, is that the ‘bob’ while once referred to as five pence is now used for the pound since Britain went decimal with its currency. At least its free advertising!

Two children’s TV presenters were cautioned under British Anti-Terrorism Laws by police in London for running around in flak jackets and utility belts, carrying among other things, hairdryers and fake walkie-talkie radios. The pair, complete with camera crew, were filming an episode of the children’s TV show ‘Toonattik’ when approached by four of Her Majesty’s Constabulary. The officers gave them a warning under The Act.

And to cap it all, last week the Holiday Inn Hotel Chain began offering its guests human bed warmers! A call to Reception will have a male or female (or both) bed warmer come to your room, clothed in a special suit, who will warm the bed to body temperature before you climb in. I’ve had one for years, I call her the wife! Certainly beats the hell out of a hot water bottle.

It’s a wacky world we live in.

Roy.

Britain – Land of the Loony’s.

Posted in Britain, England, English Schools, Human Rights, Immigrants, Insanity, Modern World, MP's, Primary Schools, Prison, Theft, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 14/01/2010 by floroy1942

If it wasn’t so sad it would be funny! For this post I have chosen five of the most ridiculous stories to come out of the UK this week. Firstly, in Southampton in southern England, a man turned up at the hospital’s casualty department with his penis stuck in a length of steel tubing. The hospital staff could not release it because the situation had caused the man to become aroused thereby enlarging his penis and making it impossible. You really couldn’t make this up!!!! Eventually his penis was freed from the pipe by a very delicate operation carried out by…..wait for it!…..Firemen with a metal grinder!!!!!! When I read this story I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Apparently the man left the hospital without any explanation as to how he got his penis stuck in a piece of pipe.

Ed Balls the Schools Secretary for Great Britain is quoted as saying that primary school pupils (aged 7 to 11) and secondary schools (ages 11 to 16) should learn Mandarin i.e Chinese! His reason for such a statement is that Britain has increasing business ties with China and the business sector needs Chinese speakers. Does this mean that it must become part of the national curriculum and a requirement for all children to learn Chinese?

He is right in one thing, it should be compulsory for all children in English schools to learn a foreign language; but Chinese? It would be far more useful for them to learn French, German or perhaps Spanish. Britain has for decades fallen behind other European nations in the teaching of foreign languages in schools, leaving it up to the pupils to decide. When it comes to languages the British are notoriously lazy.

Britain’s erstwhile Prime Minister Gordon Brown has decreed that poor homes should be given a free laptop and broadband access so the parents can communicate with their children’s school. So Gordon is of the opinion that the tax payer should foot the bill for this, and of course poor parents will immediately get ‘on line’ and follow their offspring’s progress at school. I think it more likely there will suddenly be a glut of laptops being offered at knock-down prices in the local pubs to finance a few more pints of best bitter.

On a more serious note, A family of five bought a house for £285,000 and decided to have it structurally altered and renovated. They moved into a rented apartment while the builders were working. After the Christmas break they went to the house and found a group of Romanian squatters occupying the house. They had changed all the locks which prevented the owner from entering. He went to the Police, and on enquiring as to the legal status of the squatters being in the country was told he was racist. Eventually it turned out that the Romanians had become victims of a black con man who had ‘rented’ them the property. They thought they were legal and had every right to be there, but the black guy was not the owner. It took two weeks for the legal situation to be sorted out, and now, much to the families relief, things are back to normal. The Squatters, they moved into a house further down the street. The con man? He disappeared into a richer puff of smoke.

It has been known for years that Britain needs more jails, and now finally the Labour Government has made plans for more to be built. Britain is way ahead of the rest of Europe when it comes to the size of its prison population. For years, Judges have been given instructions not to send so many felons to jail, no matter how much they deserve it, because the jails are already overcrowded. Prisoners have been released after serving a fraction of their sentence to make room for the next influx of criminals. Many have been hardened criminals who go on to offend again and again after release. For the toe-rags inside for drug dealing, theft and rape etc. they do a tiny fraction of their sentence and then its business as usual.

Strange though it may seem, this plan to build more jails has raised a storm of criticism. Groups, and even MP’s, are decrying the move saying resources should be put into preventing crime, not punishing it. I suppose this means more Miss Goody Two-Shoes talking to hardened career criminals trying to convince them of the error of their ways??? I suppose this means that felons will get more non-custodial sentences while the ‘Goody Brigade’ go to work on them to convince them that it really isn’t ‘nice’ to beat up old age pensioner ladies for the few shillings they have in their purses???? It really is too bizarre for words. These ‘Goody Goody” idiots have done so much harm to the English way of life that they should be put against a wall and shot without the chance of parole. I have always been of the opinion that if a criminal is behind bars, he cannot commit more crimes. If the British Penal System were designed to make incarceration so hard that felons would never want to go back to prison after release (like the old days), that more than anything else would cut the crime rate.

Such a shame, but I think the whole country has gone to the dogs!

Woof Woof!

Roy.

Santa Under Attack!

Posted in Children, Insanity, Modern World, Obesity, Overweight with tags , , , on 18/12/2009 by floroy1942

In today’s world you need not look far to find a real nutter! They are everywhere, and occasionally emerge from wherever they dwell to expound their loony ideas. Today I found a doozie.

I bet you had no idea that Santa Claus was a universal health hazard did you? Well according to Dr. Nathan Grills and Illustrator Brenden Halyday from the Monash University of Melbourne in Australia, Santa promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an overall unhealthy lifestyle!

These two idiots have written this in a serious article for the British Medical Journal.

According to these two ‘Experts’, Santa should not be riding everywhere in his sleigh but should get out and start walking or jogging. They further go on to say, that instead of eating all the mince pies and drinking the brandy  left out for him by children, he should be eating celery sticks and carrots stolen from his reindeer. So they are now promoting him as a thief????

I had no idea that Santa was subject to speed limits with his sleigh. I have never seen the cops chasing him, have you? I mean, after all, he does have to deliver his presents world-wide in one night.

They claim that Santa is used  everywhere to promote unhealthy food and drink, and a general unhealthy lifestyle, and it should be changed or stopped. Is nothing sacred?

I would find it hard as a child to accept Santa running around with a super-fit body in a jogging outfit chewing celery. Somehow it just doesn’t seem the same as the fat jolly Santa in his red suit.

Can someone ship these loony’s to the moon. PLEASE!

Merry Christmas

Roy.

%d bloggers like this: