Archive for Laughter

Time For A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Europe, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 06/05/2017 by floroy1942

A Kiwi emigrated to Oz and opened up a petrol station. To increase its sales he put up a sign saying, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’ Soon a local, Bill, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The Kiwi told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bill then guessed 8, and the Kiwi said, ‘You were close’ the number was 7.  Sorry, no sex this time. A week later, Bill and his mate Bluey pulled in for a fill-up at the same station. Again Bill asked for his free sex. Again he got the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Bill guessed 2 this time. Again the Kiwi said, ‘Sorry, it was 4 ‘You were close’ but no free sex this time.’ As they were driving away, Bill said to his mate Bluey, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’  Bluey replied, ‘No it ain’t Bill, it ain’t rigged – my missus won twice last week.

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he deliberately spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it. He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.  Seeing this, she’d had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic Bitch.” She smiled and said to him, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed Goat Shagger! 

81_19144220170210060831

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…..’ His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’ The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’ ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’ The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

sbr022317dAPR20170223014512

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers!

You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax  simultaneously. C. You don’t miss the Golf on Sky sports!

gmc14852620170208080500

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

tmdsu17022320170225125601

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked… “Then why did you eat him?”

cb032117dAPR20170321105008

A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?” The man replied, “Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ….”

gmc14972020170329064800

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest,” I’m Jesus Christ.” The Priest replies,” No son, you’re not!” So he says to the second,”I’m Jesus Christ.” He says,”No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says,” Look I can prove it.” He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,” JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”

gv021317dAPR20170213044510

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniversaries are the next day. Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?” Rich man, “I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.” Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts?” Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car… ” The poor, “Man nodds in agreement.” Rich man, “What did you get your wife?” Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.” Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f**ck herself.”

gmc14937820170313014500

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

payn_c14973420170331120100

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone 100 dollars who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

gv040517_color20170405021045

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in appropriate parts and said to his dad, “I wish I could do that.” Jimmy’s dad looked down at Jimmy and said, “Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!”

bg022817dAPR20170227014512

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.” The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.” The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!” “Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

payn_c14861320170213120100

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediately starts crying. Her brunette friend asks her, “Why are you crying dear?” Blonde says, “Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. “I’m so sorry,” says the brunette. The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again. The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, “My brother just called and said that his father died too.”

aria_c14880620170219120100

I hope you had a laugh. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

 

Have A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Europe, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 07/04/2017 by floroy1942

What a good shave will do for you!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC. He tells the priest, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist.” The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’  Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

StarTrek

14680759_1866282486987817_4930767631151714936_n3

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the lights out of this bloke at a party.  In my defence… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

2c5067dc-f2e8-49d0-abb6-e366e235fefd

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

2B4A6B0C39084DE3B2737A50CD7DD18D

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said – “Ok, good – you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either”

13445436_1808154856133914_8739251718032636481_n3

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. I said. That’s going to be a bit awkward init? Not really, He said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

pastedGraphic_4

A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies:  ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

I hope you enjoyed this little offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Something To Cheer You Up

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, European Union, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 19/01/2017 by floroy1942

1

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing….We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” I said, “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No.” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

2

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.  You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Continental,” was the reply.  “We got a great rate!” “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.  “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!  They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They too were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”  “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” “Oh, really!  What’d he say?”  He said: “Who in hell cut your hair?”

3

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.  We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.  We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.  He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you, 
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S.   The Committee has raised $2.16 so far…. ($2.00 of which was from the Clinton Foundation)

4

A woman went into a pet store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blow jobs!” “Blow jobs!” the woman exclaimed. “It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true? No more blow jobs for her, so she bought the frog. When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!… The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night however, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. “What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.
Her husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re history.”

6

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?” The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

5

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, “We realise it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.” “Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.” “So, after the ceremony, I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man. “No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam.” “Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?” “Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!” “What about different positions?” asks the man. “No problem,” says the Mullah. “Woman on top?” “Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!” “On the kitchen table?” “Yes, yes!” “Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?” “You may indeed!” “Can we do it standing up?” “Absolutely not!” says the Mullah.” “Why not?” asks the man. “It could lead to dancing!”

British humour as it used to be:  absolutely politically incorrect.
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
—————————-
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
—————————-
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
—————————-
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
—————————-
Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
—————————-
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
====================
During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
====================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
====================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
===================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
====================
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.  It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.” To which the call centre employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line”.

I hope you enjoyed a laugh! ‘Til next time.

Roy.

A Funny Look At 2016

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Politics, UK, United Nations with tags , , , , on 02/01/2017 by floroy1942

1Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few Brandy and Cokes and a couple of double shots …I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

2A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a  Sign on it saying: Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.  He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

3

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

4

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and  said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me,  ‘has your plane arrived yet?’…

5

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt !!!

6

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook  asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

7

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

8

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps. Reporter: When do you drink water? Hattie: I’ve never been that sick. 

9

I hope you enjoyed it. Have a happy new year.

Roy.

Sunday Jokes

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Obama, Politics, UK with tags , , , , on 23/10/2016 by floroy1942

 1

A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”  “That’s amazing,” his dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?” “Just send him over here with $1,000” the young Arkie says “and I’ll get him in the course.”  So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.  “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!” “Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”  “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  “Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!” “Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”. “Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?” The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your mother!”  “I sure did, Dad!” “That’s my boy!”

 The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!

2

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, “What are these clocks for?” St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.” The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?” St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”

3

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

So I asked a blonde, “Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?” She said, “The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

4

It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”

5

Travelling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town.” The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.” Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?” The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.” “Oh,” replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.” The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?” The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

6

Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they’re walking around New York, they hear, “Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!” They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, “What part did you get?!”

 7

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

8

‘Til next time.

Roy.

Start The Week With A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 04/09/2016 by floroy1942

1

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.” The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

2

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

4

A man tells his wife, “Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.” The wife yells at him, “Why are you just telling me now?” He said, “Because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

 

4

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, “Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?” The wife replies, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.” With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

5

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad’s advice: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it.” Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman’s car asking, “Lady, why are you following me?” She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, “Well I’m done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?”

6

A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”

7

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, “I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.” The husband asked, “What would mine go for?” The wife replied, “They were giving ones like yours away for free.” The husband said, “I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vagina’s for $500 and tight vagina’s for $1,000.” “How about mine?” the wife asked and the husband replied, “That was where they were holding the auction.”

8

The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?” The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhoea!”

9

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, “Please let me go! I’ll grant you any wish you desire.” The man says, “Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground.” The crocodile then bites his legs off.

10

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result – the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: “Ma’am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”

12

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, “If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?” Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry’s voice in a dream, “Tom…” “Larry! What is it?!” asked Tom. “I have good news and bad news from heaven.” “What’s the good news?” “There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you’re pitching on Tuesday.”

I hope you had fun. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Donald Trump Joke!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, UK, United Nations with tags , , , , on 19/08/2016 by floroy1942

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour  of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have  him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for  just $100.’

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They  come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him  home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American Diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here,  and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.’

 Roy.

%d bloggers like this: