Archive for Humour

Have A Laugh!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Spain, UK with tags , , , , on 08/08/2017 by floroy1942

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“I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago …  At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then that I realized how far America’s military had deteriorated. Every one of them missed the bastard …

Car Keys

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolenThen I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.” 

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”

The commanding officer at the Russian Military Academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on ‘Potential Problems and Military Strategy’. At the end of the lecture, he asked are there questions? An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China”.
Everyone in the audience was shocked A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese (an odds of 10 to 1). Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about it  this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East there have been  a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs (an odds of 30 to 1), and Israel were always victorious.”
After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked:  “Does Russia have enough Jews ?

Photos - Funny Pictures October 18, 2016:

 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.’ ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

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The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. ‘Hello…Hello !’ she shouted. ‘Can anyone hear me? Hello !’ For a long while, there was no answer.  Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, ‘Hello!  Is anyone down there?’
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,  “VOTE FOR CORBYN Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, ‘Oh, thank you, God!….At least Dopey is still alive !’

Most people today think it’s improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’ Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and  stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results. I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Should work with grandkids too!

How the British have passively succumbed to the Muslim invasion:
When you leave the hen house gate open, don’t cry after the fox has taken the chickens….
Mayor of London … MUSLIM
Mayor of Birmingham … MUSLIM
Mayor of Leeds … MUSLIM
Mayor of Blackburn … MUSLIM
Mayor of Sheffield … MUSLIM
Mayor of Oxford … MUSLIM
Mayor of Luton … MUSLIM
Mayor of Oldham … MUSLIM
Mayor of Rochdale … MUSLIM
Over 3,000 Muslim Mosques
Over 130 Muslim Sharia Courts
Over 50 Muslim Sharia Councils
Muslims-Only No-Go Areas Across The UK
Muslim Women … 78% don’t work and are on FREE benefits/housing
Muslim Men … 63% don’t work and are on FREE benefits/housing
Muslim Families … 6-8 children planning to go on FREE benefits/housing
… and now all UK schools are ONLY serving HALAL MEAT!
All this achieved by just 4 million Muslims out of the 66 million population!

 This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples in Enfield:

 

Just hope, for their sake that each husband goes home with the right table cloth..

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 A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies: ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  ‘ The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’ The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

Think old & you'll be old, think young and you'll be a delusional old fart!:

 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’ She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

 

I hope you enjoyed it. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Have A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Europe, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 07/04/2017 by floroy1942

What a good shave will do for you!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC. He tells the priest, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist.” The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’  Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

StarTrek

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the lights out of this bloke at a party.  In my defence… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

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The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said – “Ok, good – you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either”

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. I said. That’s going to be a bit awkward init? Not really, He said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

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A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies:  ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

I hope you enjoyed this little offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Not All American’s Are Dumb

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Government, News, USA with tags , , , , on 14/03/2017 by floroy1942

I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..”  His response — click..

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!”

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I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map”

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An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

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A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

A Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

 

A Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas … When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

People can be so funny at times. I hope you enjoyed this.

Roy.

 

 

Laugh For Free

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, News, Teens, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 13/02/2017 by floroy1942

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,  ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She replies, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers’ Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?” The trooper asks: “What are you doing?” The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And, her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.” Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.” The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?” The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant undertaker.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing…. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits”. I said. “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

When asked by a young patrol officer, “Do you know you were speeding?” This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:- “Yes, but …. I had to get there before I forgot where I was going.” The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. Makes perfectly good sense to me!!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’ ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine:     “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine:       “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘Computer’?”  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “Computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that  “Computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”),  because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.  

The women’s group, however,  concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”),  because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. The women won.

‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

This Will Cheer You Up

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, European Union, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 19/01/2017 by floroy1942

1

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing….We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” I said, “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No.” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

2

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.  You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Continental,” was the reply.  “We got a great rate!” “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.  “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!  They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They too were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”  “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” “Oh, really!  What’d he say?”  He said: “Who in hell cut your hair?”

3

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.  We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.  We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.  He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you, 
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S.   The Committee has raised $2.16 so far…. ($2.00 of which was from the Clinton Foundation)

4

A woman went into a pet store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blow jobs!” “Blow jobs!” the woman exclaimed. “It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true? No more blow jobs for her, so she bought the frog. When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!… The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night however, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. “What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.
Her husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re history.”

6

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?” The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

5

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, “We realise it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.” “Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.” “So, after the ceremony, I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man. “No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam.” “Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?” “Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!” “What about different positions?” asks the man. “No problem,” says the Mullah. “Woman on top?” “Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!” “On the kitchen table?” “Yes, yes!” “Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?” “You may indeed!” “Can we do it standing up?” “Absolutely not!” says the Mullah.” “Why not?” asks the man. “It could lead to dancing!”

British humour as it used to be:  absolutely politically incorrect.
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
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During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
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An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.  It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.” To which the call centre employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line”.

I hope you enjoyed a laugh! ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Just Joking!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, European Union, Insanity, News, President, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 29/11/2016 by floroy1942

1

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

2

A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, “How dare you belch before this woman!” The drunk says, “I’m sorry! I didn’t know she wanted to go first.

3

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, “Hurry, hurry! It’s going to rain and we left the top down!”

4

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbour crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, “What’s the matter Mary? What has upset you?” The blonde neighbour replied, “My dog has died and I’m going to bury it here.” Mr. Brown said, “You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?” She answered, “The first two were too small.”

5

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, “Why are you home so early?” He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.” She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”

6

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?

7

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.” The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”

8

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

9

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

Hope you enjoyed it. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Sunday Jokes

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Obama, Politics, UK with tags , , , , on 23/10/2016 by floroy1942

 1

A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”  “That’s amazing,” his dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?” “Just send him over here with $1,000” the young Arkie says “and I’ll get him in the course.”  So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.  “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!” “Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”  “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  “Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!” “Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”. “Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?” The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your mother!”  “I sure did, Dad!” “That’s my boy!”

 The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!

2

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, “What are these clocks for?” St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.” The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?” St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”

3

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

So I asked a blonde, “Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?” She said, “The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

4

It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”

5

Travelling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town.” The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.” Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?” The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.” “Oh,” replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.” The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?” The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

6

Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they’re walking around New York, they hear, “Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!” They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, “What part did you get?!”

 7

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

8

‘Til next time.

Roy.

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