Archive for Hospital

Time For A Giggle

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , on 26/10/2014 by floroy1942

Laugh and the world laughs with you, so I hope you enjoy this little offering.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset.
‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

The husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

So the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compass ion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

Who the hell is Eric ?

 

Poor Eric

Poor Eric

Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Joy his wife was waiting for him with ………”Where the hell have you been?”

Eric replies “I was getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred quid note tattooed on my willy” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chief Executive get a hundred quid note tattooed on his willy?”

“Well…One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand..

And lastly…  Instead of you going out shopping all the time, now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid any time you want!!”

Eric is presently in the Critical Care Unit. I’m afraid no visitors are allowed until further notice!

URGENT !

Whoever  left  his  wife  at my  place  after last  night’s  BBQ is  asked to  come and get  her  ASAP.

It  is   not  that  she’s a  problem, but  mine is  coming  back  tonight.

Cheers,

Out Cold

Whatever you do, Keep smiling!

Roy.

Crazy? You Couldn’t Make It Up! Series 1 Episode 10

Posted in Britain, England, Health, Immigrants, Insanity, Insurgents, Justice, Modern World, Muslim, Police, Teen Violence, Teens, Travel, UK with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/12/2010 by floroy1942

Good Aim Required

One of the funniest stories to hit the news last week concerns a pair of Muslim would-be firebombers who bit off more than they could chew! In May 2008 Amir Ali and a friend tried to petrol bomb a pub in Crawley UK for reasons unknown, when it all went pear shaped. Ali broke the pub window prior to his accomplice throwing the molatov cocktail. Unfortunately the throw was not very accurate and it struck Ali on the back of the head. As the pair fled the scene Ali, dazed from the blow, ran full-tilt straight into a lamp-post. Requiring medical attention he went to the A & E Department at the local hospital which allowed police to link him to the incident. Last week he was sentenced to 8 years. If we have to put up with Muslims attacking us these days its a pity they are not all as inept as these two! I would love to read more news items of would-be suicide bombers blowing themselves up while assembling their bomb!!!

Mogadishu Airport - Not For Tourists!

The customs officials in Mogadishu Somalia were in a quandary this week when their first ‘tourist’ arrived at Mogadishu airport. Mike Spencer Bown, on a round-the-world trip, arrived at the airport on a commercial flight and when asked the purpose of his visit said he was a tourist. As Mogadishu is currently one the most dangerous cities in the world for foreigners, the officials did not believe him. Four times they tried to put him back on the outbound flight and eventually handed him over to the African Union Military Force in the city, simply because they could not believe he was there just for pleasure. “We have never seen people like this man,” Omar Mohamed, an immigration official, said Friday. “He said he was a tourist, we couldn’t believe him. But later on we found he was serious.” He went on; “That makes him the first person to come to Mogadishu only for tourism but unfortunately this is not the right time,” Bown had already visited 160 countries since he sold off his business, and he declared Mogadishu ‘a must’. He actually made it back out of the country alive!!!

You Are Either Too Fat Or You're Having Twins

We all make mistakes but sometimes they are ‘howlers’. Recently, the Norwich University Hospital in Norfolk UK sent a letter to 50 year-old Hilton Plettel that he was pregnant with twins! That Mr. Plettel was flabbergasted is an understatement. An apology was issued by the senior nurse of the hospital, and all Mr. Plettel has to do now is ride the wave of endless jokes aimed his way!!!

I Can't Face Another Appendectomy Without It!

Doctors at the Santa Caterina Hospital in Lecce Southern Italy can’t get through the day without a ‘pick-me-up’, or so it seems. The Director of the hospital is in deep trouble after sending a memo to all doctors asking them to ‘refrain from snorting cocaine’ during working hours. While it seems a fact that some doctors are guilty of the practice, it was deemed incorrect for Giuseppe Di Maria to send out the offending memo. So now he is being raked over the coals and you could still be operated on by a doctor flying on cloud nine!!! Scary!

Try Piecing This Lot Together!

Thankfully, if you happen to put all your money in a shredder by mistake there is someone who can help. This happened to a Taiwanese man called Lin who mistakenly dropped a bag containing T$200,000 (£4,200) into a shredder at his plastic factory. Lucky for him there is a forensic scientist in the Justice Ministry Forensics Department known as the ‘Jigsaw Man’, Lin Hui-Fen. This forensics expert loves puzzles, and after a week of intensive work managed to piece together sufficient shredded money to satisfy the bank that it was genuine and the fortunate Mr. Lin got his money back. I bet the jigsaw man solves the Rubicks Cube in seconds!!!

That’s all for now, But as the crazy stories keep coming, so watch this space. I hope you enjoyed a laugh, I sure did.

Roy.


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