Archive for Friends

Having A Bad Day? This Will Cheer You Up!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Modern World, News, Spain, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 23/10/2014 by floroy1942

Feeling stressed? Then you need to unwind and let it all go. I hope the following will help and make your day just that little bit better.

Cartoon

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terrible, doctor, terrible” the old lady replied.

“Did it not work?” said the doctor.

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” “Then what is the problem, ma’am?” the doctor asked.

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Cartoon

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Cartoon

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?” Mick looked around him: “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Cartoon

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars” the waitress says. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free,” says the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds.

Have a nice Day!

Roy.

Something To Brighten Your Day

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, Europe, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 16/10/2014 by floroy1942

If you are having a dull day, then this is just the tonic you need! Like many people I guess, I too get jokes sent to me through the e-mail so I thought I would share some with you.

The Three Wishes.

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there’s a knock at the door, so he answers it! Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he’s dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It’s the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, “I can understand the first wish–having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”

A Driver’s Best Friend?

I have a little Satnav; it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend; it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav; I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
“It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty-five”.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Naughty, Naughty!

I asked my mam for something to wear and something to play with for Christmas when I was little.

She bought me a pair of pants and cut the pockets out.

Dear Justin Bieber Haters.

Despite his arrest, I still owe my life to Justin. On March 2009 I was in a coma for six months after a car crash. One day my nurse turned on the radio and Justin Biebers music was playing, so I got up and turned it off.

The Best Of British?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, damn those Brits are smart!!

In The Courtroom.

How do Court Recorders keep straight faces when have to record the following. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

That’s all for today, but I hope it was enough to brighten an otherwise dull day.

Roy.

Friends Forever?

Posted in Britain, England, Europe, Germany, Modern World, Relationships, Spain, Teens, UK, USA with tags , , on 24/05/2009 by floroy1942

How good a friend is your friend? Is he/she loyal, helpful, trustworthy and kind? Can you tell your friend your darkest secrets and be sure they will keep your confidence? Can you call on your friend for help, counsel or support when times are bad? A lot of questions we perhaps should ask ourselves these days before trusting someone.

Years ago most people had friendships that would last their entire lives. The reasons being, people were far more static than they are now, and attitudes were different.

In the past, opportunities for travel were severely restricted for most, and you spent your entire life surrounded by those who lived in your street or village. This led to a far deeper bond between people.

It was this closeness more than anything that created life-long friendships, because you grew up and worked surrounded by familiar faces. It takes years of knowing one another to produce the bonds necessary for a deep friendship to develop. On top of that, people felt more kinship with each other in a small community, and did not have the attitude of many today — me first!

I know from my own experience as a child in the north of England, if you were moving into a new neighbourhood, before the removals van was even a quarter empty your neighbour would be around with cups of tea for everyone on a tray.

Today you would say they were just being nosey, but that was not true in 99% of cases, they were just being kind, and it was their way of saying welcome to the neighbourhood.

Of course, I will be the first to admit that it was never the same everywhere. People differ from country to country and even from town to town, but it is a good example of what things used to be like.

Now the modern age has brought mobility to the masses. With this increased ease of travel has come the possibility for people to move at will wherever they please. Some move because of work, some just to buy a better house. Either way, this migration has meant that few spend their entire lives in the place they were born.

This movement is not necessarily a bad thing because it gives everyone the chance to improve their standard of living, but in all this there has been one major casualty. You guessed; True friendship!

Ok! Yes, I know you have friends, but would they stick their hand in the fire for you, or at 3 a.m. drive a hundred miles in a storm to tow your car if you broke down? Not likely! They may well search the directory for the telephone number of a local garage, or offer to pick you up at the train station, but that is about as far as it would go.

If you had some dark secret that you just had to share with someone for your own piece of mind, is there anyone you could tell without the whole neighbourhood knowing about it the next day? If you can come up with a name you are indeed blessed. No! I don’t mean your Mother, think again!

An acquaintance of mine has been let down several times by so-called friends. She is the type who would do anything for a friend, and always thought of them before herself. She is a person you or I would want as a soul-mate, always there when you needed help, and a true confidant.

Because she has been let down so many times, I often advised her to take her time, find out what sort of person she was dealing with before making a commitment to real friendship. This has been very difficult for her because she is the type who enters spontaneously into a friendship.

Even when shopping, she always stops and has a friendly chat with the sales person or cashier. It’s just the way she is. She has to my knowledge, never refused help to friends in difficulty, even when it meant her own things must be put aside.

People like her are few and far between these days, and it is sad indeed when they are constantly kicked in the teeth by someone they thought was a good friend.

Recently a ‘close girl-friend’ of several years suddenly stopped calling her, and wanting to find out why she sent her a text message. The reply was an abusive message with the words “stop pestering me,” and no explanation. Naturally she was very upset and called me close to tears, wondering what she had done to deserve this thoughtless reply. This is not the first time. On each occasion I give her the same advice; Put it behind you and let it be a lesson.

Some time ago she had a similar problem with a girlfriend she cares a lot about. Even though this person often used her as the butt of her jokes when out in a crowd, she cared enough to let it go. Several times in the past this friend has upset her deeply by suddenly being uncaring or insulting. But, because she cares, she keeps going back for more.

As someone with a kind heart, and who is happy to be everyone’s friend I know there will be rough times ahead until she has learned to, how shall I say it, “Separate the wheat from the chaff”.

I learned a long time ago that as times have changed, so have people. The majority are extremely self-centred today and always put themselves first. In most cases friendship is a shallow thing, good for a night out, the occasional barbecue or going to a football match, but don’t expect too much. If the old concept of friendship was a five-storey building, then today, the top two floors have been removed.

You may think I am being over-dramatic on this subject, and maybe I am, but I have lived a long time and seen the changes in people over the years. Don’t get me wrong however, I am not condemning today’s society as a bunch of shifty, worthless individuals. Of course there are people out there who do not ‘fit the mould’, but it is sad to see the numbers are dropping with each succeeding generation.

It is world’s apart to have someone to socialise and have fun with, but when the chips are down, it’s a different matter if you need a friend you can share your feelings and problems with, knowing they will be sympathetic and helpful and not gossip about it to all and sundry.

Perhaps, who knows, the idea of a real meaningful friendship will again be popular at sometime in the future. I hope so.


May your friends never let you down – nor you them.


Roy.

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