Archive for Christmas

New Year Cheer

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Children, Europe, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen with tags , , , on 01/01/2015 by floroy1942

Happy New Year everyone. I hope all your dreams come true, and you find all that you seek. Here is a small offering to start off another year.

 

Three Kings

Teacher:

“Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?”

Little Johnny answered:

“Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.”

ATT00052

Amazing video of a six-year-old Chinese girl with the voice of an angel. At first I thought ‘not my cup of tea’, but after watching it I realized that she is an absolute miracle, with most certainly an amazing future ahead of her.

ATT00067

 

Keep smiling, and whatever you do, don’t let people or events drag you down.

Roy.

Christmas – A Time To Be Happy

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Children, England, Europe, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, UK with tags , , , , on 25/12/2014 by floroy1942

Its that time of year again when we are supposed to put all our worries to one side and enjoy the Christmas spirit. I hope this helps!

Old Folks

 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92, have lost all my friends, but, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

The last photo I have of my dog!

image001

The Kingdom of Thailand

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony: They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A Beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them. The men’s penises would then spring back up and go “WHAP!” against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .

Law Abiding Englishman

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning, I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the Channel. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all of the explosives he was carrying. If he didn’t get help, he’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Kent Police and the Home Office. It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I’m starting to think that I wasted two stamps.

Ever wondered why Walmart is so famous – Here’s why:

Mommas Chatting (as you do)

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.” ”Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.

“He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides. “Oh, so sad dear…” says the other.

”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.” ”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, ”he had such curly hair when he was born.” ”He’s a martyr too…” says the mother quietly. ”Oh, gracious me…” says the other.

”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18”, she whispers. “Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started school…” ”He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says……..
“They blow up so fast nowadays don’t they?”

Teacher

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year . . . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas

Have a happy holiday.

Roy

Christmas Shopping In July?

Posted in Britain, Children, Christianity, England, Modern World, UK, USA with tags , , , , , , , on 26/07/2011 by floroy1942

It must seem totally nuts to many people that some High Street shops are now offering Christmas goods in the middle of the summer holiday season.

In July?

Year on year Christmas items have made their first appearance in the shops ever earlier, when traditionally it was always in the lead-up to this festive season i.e late November and December. Now it seems the drive for profit is advancing the date every year.

A Christian Christmas Starts In Church

There is no doubt that Christmas is now more about making money than the religious celebration it once was, after all, there are probably more atheists than Christians  around these days.

A Time For Children

Apart from the few good Christians left in our society, usually among the elderly, Christmas has become a time for the children, who greedily wait to see what they will receive this year. Meanwhile, the adults concentrate on the food, drink and office party aspect.

A Family At Christmas

The one thing that has remained constant is Christmas being a time when families come together, and that cannot be bad at all. Once a year, relatives appear from all corners of the land, often at Mother’s house, to chat about their lives and how they are doing. The usual promises are made to ‘keep in touch’, but are mostly forgotten by January 2nd.

But really, do we need to ‘Christmas shop’ in July? I can’t help but think this sort of practice will eventually destroy once and for all the true meaning of Christmas, not that there is much of that left these days.

Harrod's At Christmas

It would seem that the shops concerned, like Harrod’s and Selfridge’s who are the first, are apparently out to capture tourist trade ‘bucks’, for they believe tourists will want to shop for Christmas goods while on holiday in London. It is true I suppose that some chinese tourists for example, may be attracted by the Christmas baubles that hang in the windows. It is almost certain that other shops will now want to get in on the act, but I can’t imagine business being brisk. But there again, you never know – It is after all a crazy world!

Roy.

Santa Under Attack!

Posted in Children, Insanity, Modern World, Obesity, Overweight with tags , , , on 18/12/2009 by floroy1942

In today’s world you need not look far to find a real nutter! They are everywhere, and occasionally emerge from wherever they dwell to expound their loony ideas. Today I found a doozie.

I bet you had no idea that Santa Claus was a universal health hazard did you? Well according to Dr. Nathan Grills and Illustrator Brenden Halyday from the Monash University of Melbourne in Australia, Santa promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an overall unhealthy lifestyle!

These two idiots have written this in a serious article for the British Medical Journal.

According to these two ‘Experts’, Santa should not be riding everywhere in his sleigh but should get out and start walking or jogging. They further go on to say, that instead of eating all the mince pies and drinking the brandy  left out for him by children, he should be eating celery sticks and carrots stolen from his reindeer. So they are now promoting him as a thief????

I had no idea that Santa was subject to speed limits with his sleigh. I have never seen the cops chasing him, have you? I mean, after all, he does have to deliver his presents world-wide in one night.

They claim that Santa is used  everywhere to promote unhealthy food and drink, and a general unhealthy lifestyle, and it should be changed or stopped. Is nothing sacred?

I would find it hard as a child to accept Santa running around with a super-fit body in a jogging outfit chewing celery. Somehow it just doesn’t seem the same as the fat jolly Santa in his red suit.

Can someone ship these loony’s to the moon. PLEASE!

Merry Christmas

Roy.

%d bloggers like this: