Archive for British Humour

Britain Today

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Germany, Modern World, News, UK with tags , , , , on 12/05/2017 by floroy1942

Britain is not what it used to be and the evidence is below:

Daftland

We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

In Daftland we’ve police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say ‘sorry’
Means you’re free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
’cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there’s no way you’ll be in the right.

When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you’ve used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you’ll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.

The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there’s no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He’s old and he’s sick, he might cost us a bit
So he’s not welcome here any more.

When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.

I received this by email and thought it worthy of sharing because it really hit the ‘nail on the head’.

Roy.

Laugh – It’s Friday

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, Europe, European Union, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 14/08/2015 by floroy1942

1

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines down the middle of the road. He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day’s work.
After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he’d painted four miles of road instead of the two required.
On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road. The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn’t complain as this was, after all, only what he’d asked for.
On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, “On yer first day, ya did four moiles o’ road. On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What’s up?”
Paddy replied, “Well, oil tell ya what’s up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see, every day I gets ferder an’ ferder away from de paint can!”

This is life-saving information for people who live near beaches. This is the most reliable and most preferred early warning system of an earthquake known to humans.

2

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 87 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

3

A 75 year old lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilized or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2b.’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilized or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all in here.

4Why the Greeks are in trouble

 Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor’s house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”. The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

5

Words Of Wisdom

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS!

Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may STATE their preferences, but will still grab whatever is available.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please, don’t eat any of the other employees.” The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads “No.” After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool,” the leader continued! “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”

‘Til next time.

Roy.

Having A Bad Day? This Will Cheer You Up!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Modern World, News, Spain, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 23/10/2014 by floroy1942

Feeling stressed? Then you need to unwind and let it all go. I hope the following will help and make your day just that little bit better.

Cartoon

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terrible, doctor, terrible” the old lady replied.

“Did it not work?” said the doctor.

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” “Then what is the problem, ma’am?” the doctor asked.

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Cartoon

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Cartoon

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?” Mick looked around him: “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Cartoon

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars” the waitress says. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free,” says the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds.

Have a nice Day!

Roy.

Something To Brighten Your Day

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, Europe, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 16/10/2014 by floroy1942

If you are having a dull day, then this is just the tonic you need! Like many people I guess, I too get jokes sent to me through the e-mail so I thought I would share some with you.

The Three Wishes.

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there’s a knock at the door, so he answers it! Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he’s dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It’s the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, “I can understand the first wish–having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”

A Driver’s Best Friend?

I have a little Satnav; it sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend; it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav; I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
“It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty-five”.
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Naughty, Naughty!

I asked my mam for something to wear and something to play with for Christmas when I was little.

She bought me a pair of pants and cut the pockets out.

Dear Justin Bieber Haters.

Despite his arrest, I still owe my life to Justin. On March 2009 I was in a coma for six months after a car crash. One day my nurse turned on the radio and Justin Biebers music was playing, so I got up and turned it off.

The Best Of British?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, damn those Brits are smart!!

In The Courtroom.

How do Court Recorders keep straight faces when have to record the following. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

That’s all for today, but I hope it was enough to brighten an otherwise dull day.

Roy.

Pure Genius!

Posted in Britain, England, Insanity, Justice, Modern World, News, Police, Teens, Traffic, UK with tags , , , on 06/10/2014 by floroy1942

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I hope you enjoyed it, but don’t get any ideas.

Roy.

You’ve Got To Love This!

Posted in America, Britain, England, European Union, Insanity, News, Religion, UK, USA with tags , on 21/09/2014 by floroy1942

Someone has a great sense of humour – I love it.

Pig Power

 

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

 The man replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

 The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

 The woman replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

 Adam ate the apple, too.

 Men will never learn…

My thanks to the friend who sent it to me, and the anonymous person with such a great sense of humour.

 

Roy.

Nonsense Time – English Humour!

Posted in America, Britain, England, Europe, Modern World, Travel, UK, USA with tags , , , on 17/07/2013 by floroy1942

If there is one thing that shines out as a British benefit to the world it is their humour. Every culture has its own brand of humour, but none have been exported all across the globe like that of the British.

The following was sent to me by a friend and I would like to share it with you. All were reported in the British press at one time or another, and have been collected together by some unknown person who receives my thanks. Enjoy:

From the British Newspapers: 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’ (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler’.” ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 

There can be no doubt that even London Underground train drivers have a sense of humour when broadcasting messages over the train’s tannoy system:

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’

9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your  @rse sideways!’

14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’

My sincere thanks to the anonymous person who collected these stories that we can all have a bright moment.

Roy.

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