Is The Whole World Going Mad!

We see all over the world fighting going on and it will not stop. When I was young the world was at peace, except for the Russians and they did not do anything except make threats. The world was a peace in the sixties, but today the world has moved on and war is everywhere. In the Middle East and the Far East war is everywhere. There are demonstrations all across the globe and it will never end unless the governments does something about it.

It is up to the United Nations to do something about it and stop the wars that are created havoc across the world, but they sit on their fat backsides and do nothing except complain about the wars that going on. They should gather together an army and stop these wars. In 1960 they took action against North Korea and put a stop to it so the world could live in peace once again. But they do nothing about the wars in Syria and other places except complain about it. They should gather an army and stop these many wars that are going around across the globe and finish it once and for all.

Demonstrations are going on in South America and other countries, and this has to stop. Let the governments listen to the people and make changes so that everyone can live in peace. But they do not listen to people and this leads to demonstrations across the whole the world. Even in Europe there are demonstrations in most countries, although Europe is living in peace. The governments should listen to the people and make changes.

The world is getting darker and the people are rebellious about the governments who have no mind about the people. The governments continue to make their own rules without disregard for the people. They are the governments which rule the countries and it a sorry state of affairs that they do not care for the people.

I can see that the whole world will be in turmoil in few years time, and the governments will be wiped out as the people and will turn to anarchy. I am 74 years old and I do not wish to see anarchy in my lifetime.

  Roy.

North And South Korea

Will It Come To This! We Hope Not!

After many years of conflict between North and South Korea we have reached an understanding between the two countries. They are now in talks to end the conflict, and it seems it is going well. Kim Jong-Un and his counterpart Moon Jae-In are talking about ending the rivalry between them. It is a momentous occasion that the two countries are talking.

The people in North Korea are ignorant  of the fact that these talks are taking place, but in South Korea it is being greeted with joy, as is the rest of the world. Trump has expressed his desire to talk with the North Korean leader sometime later this year, and we must wait and see how this develops.

Currently the talks between Moon Jae-In and Kim Jong-Un are going very well and we, hopefully, we will see the end of

tensions between the two countries. Kim Jong-Un has promised he will do away with all the nuclear weapons he has developed, and we must wait and see if this comes true.

Later this year Trump will have a meeting with Kim Jong-Un, and it is hoped this all goes well. For North Korea to get rid of its nuclear weapons will a milestone for the world, for Kim Jong-Un has already threatened America with a nuclear attack, and he has missiles that will reach the United States.

If this does not go well we could see a war between North Korea and the USA, and North Korea would be flattened. This will have a major effect on the rest of the world for the radioactivity will spread across the whole globe. This will have a devastating effect on peoples lives, and we may see the end of humanity on this planet due the spreading of the radioactivity.

Let us all hope that the meetings between South Korea, the USA and North Korea all go well.

Roy.

The Weather

Never in human history have we seen weather like this winter. Floods have wrecked huge areas of the United States and its getting worse. We see flooding and high temperatures in many countries across the world, and it will not stop because of the contamination of our atmosphere.

In Britain we have a winter that is hardly credible, with snow and cold beating all previous years, and Spring is almost upon us. I would not like to live in England at this time for it is so cold, and the coming of snowstorms is on the horizon.

All across the world the weather is getting worse year on year, and it is all due to the contamination we pump into the atmosphere from cars, trucks and factories. Never in human history, except for the ice age, have we seen such bad weather.

The summers are getting hotter and hotter, with temperatures up close to the fifties in some areas. How will humans survive in this weather? I am glad I am 75 and will not be around to see the future.

In places like Africa people are dying from starvation and the excessive heat in their thousands, and we do nothing about it. Soon this will be in many countries as the temperatures increase. Africa was a country that people can grow crops and feed themselves, but now it it is a wasteland due to the heat.

It is a sad fact that we are destroying our world with so many cars and lorries on the roads. They pump out poisonous gases that are effecting our climate and we are not doing anything about it. There is the prospect of electric cars which will reduce the poisonous gases getting into the atmosphere, but that is a long time away. Once these have been introduced it will take years for the contamination to clear from the skies, if it ever does.

We have to do something to save our planet and soon, for in a few years it will be too late, and we will all start dying from the contamination. It is time for people to realise what is happening to our world and do something about it.

Roy.

Sex With Cows And Chopping Off A Penis

I read today in the news of two interesting facts about humans. The first one is all about a man who had sex with cows. John Curno is charged with sexually abusing cows in a field. It would seem that he strolled around a herd of 150 cows and decided to have sex with them. He was seen by farmer’s wife Susan Howie with his trousers around his ankles and shoving his penis up the cows backside. I wonder what the cow thought of this?

He also thrust his arm up to the shoulder into the cows vagina and perform a sex act. This was seen by two sisters. After his third alleged act the sisters called the police. During his arrest the pensioner, who was wearing a woolly hat, a dark grey jumper and jogging bottoms, told police: “I’m not a violent person, I have a weakness with animals.”

Curno of North-west London was chased after he was seen having sex with a cow. He pulled up his trousers and underwear but not enough, and as he climbed over a stile he fell into the mud. Mrs Howie said: “He grabbed his trousers and boxers and he ran for the stile and he actually fell over the stile because his trousers fell down when he was trying to get over it.”

He was caught by the police and Curno was charged with public indecency twice between 1 August and 26th last year. During an interview with the police he said he liked to stroke cows but did not commit an act of indecency. He is awaiting sentencing.

A woman has been arrested for hacking off of her boyfriends penis. Zhanna Nurzhanova, 36 was reportedly outraged when her boyfriend made a complimentary comment and sent a picture of a good looking woman to her sister.

She is accused of giving her boyfriend a sleeping pill and waited for him to pass out at their home in the Kazakh capital of Astana. She then injected him with a local anaesthetic and cut off his penis. Nurzhanova then drove him to a hospital where he was looked at by doctors. Surgeons desperately tried to put his penis together but it was impossible. According to local reports, Nurzhanova faced unspecified charges and a sentence of up to six years in jail if she is convicted.

I think six years is far too lenient for someone who ruined a man’s life, for she should have got a lot longer.

You never know what people will do in this day and age.

Roy.

Laugh Page

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.  One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.” His buddy says, “Dude, I’m exhausted.  My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night.  She wakes me up at all hours.  I just don’t know what to do.” A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says… “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that nonsense.” 

LAWYER STORY
Two attorneys are stranded on a tropical island for several years. One day one attorney saw a woman out in the ocean floating in their direction.” the other lawyer was wary and said: ” You’re hallucinating, You’ve finally lost your mind.” But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as earrings on!
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time. So, do you think we should, well… You know… Screw her?’   “Out of WHAT?” asked the other lawyer  !!

ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.  While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” The husband responded:  “I’m takin’ a shit.  Please advise.”

Why we wish children would stay so innocent!
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. ‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil. ‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently. ‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

 It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

I hope you enjoyed it.

Roy.

Catalonia

Why should Catalonia want separation from Spain? It has been a part of Spain for hundreds of years and yet now it wants to separate from the rest of the country. The vote taken just a few days ago shows that a very small majority want to see the province separate from the rest of Spain and become an independent state. Why?

It is all down to the the exiled President Puigdemont who wants to rule the province on his own. Currently he is exiled in Brussels, but still he doesn’t give up fighting for an independent state in which he will be head of the government.

There are so many people in the world who want to have total control over countries, and this is not good for the people.  We see this everywhere, for there is fighting in many lands led by people who want to control their countries. So many people are addicted to power, and this is not good.

I believe the whole world is going mad, for we have so many people who lust for power. Puigdemont is one these people, and who knows what the outcome will be. Rajoy, the leader of Spain is steadfastly against the separation of Catalonia.

Most people in Catalonia really don’t know how things will turn out if they get independence, for it is certain that they will go downhill if they achieve this. The whole province relies on tourism as a means to make it wealthy, and if the numbers drop they will be in dire straits.

Catalonia is the richest province in Spain, and who knows what effect this will have on the rest of the country. Apart from tourism, which is the main source of income for the country, there is not much else that keeps the country afloat. If tourism were to end, and those who have bought houses and flats sell out and go somewhere else, there will not be much left of Spain, for it will be a poor country.

Already we see many of the young moving to other countries trying to get a job, for there is very little in the country in the way of employment. For sure, in the summer months there are waiters and cooks who serve in restaurants and cafe’s, but when winter comes many of these are shut down. During the winter the unemployment statistics are sky high.

Spain is a country the relies greatly on tourism for the health of it’s economy, and should the figures fall the country will be in dire straits. All the most popular places in Spain are the coastal resorts where people can lie on the beaches, but this does not say much for the inland cities and towns. Most of Spain’s wealth comes from the coastal cities and towns which the tourists frequent the most.

If Catalonia does become an independent state Spain will suffer significantly.

Roy.

Dark Days For Humans

We are without doubt entering a dark future for human kind. The number of wars, murders and riots have been escalating for years and we have no control against it. Our politicians have all but given up against the uncontrolled violence of today.

For more than ten years we have seen war in the Middle East and other countries, and murders have climbed through the roof all across the world. In many countries rioting and demonstrations have made most countries unlivable if you want peace. Taxes have gone through the roof, and most people are living on the barest of means, all except the rich that is.

The number of vehicles on our roads are polluting the atmosphere like never before, and we are polluting the oceans to such an extent that pretty soon it will become a plastic cesspit.

None of the politicians are doing much about it except have conference after conference, but very little comes out of it. They make pledge after pledge but very few of these are really put into effect.

The first thing we should do is reduce drastically the number of vehicles on our roads, otherwise we will go back to the horse and cart days. Many people are dying across the world due to the pollution that is choking our skies, and we have to reduce this.

It will take perhaps a hundred years before the Earth gets back to normal, but by that time most humans will have perished due to the constant contamination of  our atmosphere.

There is little doubt that if we continue in this way, the government must make some hard decisions to stop the pollution of our skies.

We see huge storms and hurricanes across the world and I think these will get worse as time goes on. Already we have seen tremendous floods in many parts of the world due the unprecedented rain that has fallen on some countries, and in other areas of the world we have seen no rainfall  at all. Spain is one these nations that is running out of fresh water with the reservoirs almost dry. If we do not get some real rain soon the water supplies will dry out.

It is sad what we are doing to our planet, and the human race will eventually cease to exist.

Roy.

Is The World Going Mad!

 

For years now the the world has been getting worse, and this year the scientists have told us that the carbon dioxide contamination of the atmosphere is at its highest level in history. Of course no-one believes this and they go on polluting the world with their cars and factories.

If mankind is to survive on this planet some drastic measures will have to be taken. You might think that all this is bullshit, for we as individuals  are surviving quite well, but you have to think that the rate of cancer is rising rapidly among us humans, and its all due to the pollution levels in our atmosphere.

We are polluting the air and the seas as never before with our modern culture, and it has to stop otherwise we will cease to exist on this planet.

You have to think what will our planet be like in fifty or sixty years in the future? Will we still be here? By that time everybody may be going around wearing gas masks as they venture outside and the world population will dwindle to a few hundred thousand.

There are plans to ban all diesel and petrol vehicles in twenty years time, but will that save us all. There can be little doubt that urgent action is required if we are to survive on this Earth.

Even now there are millions of people in Africa who are dying from disease and starvation, and pretty soon there will be none left. The world is overpopulated to a great extent and we have to do something to stop this. For years China allowed only one child per family, but that ended a couple of years ago. Perhaps we should make this a world-wide law to cut down on the overpopulation.

We are destroying the world’s forests that provide us with oxygen and contaminating the seas as never before. Unless something is done to stop this I can see the end of mankind of this planet. We also have to drastically cut down the number of vehicles on our roads for they are poisoning the atmosphere to the extent of which has never been seen in our history.

Already people in cities in China go around around wearing masks that shield them from the vehicle pollution, and as it gets worse it will spread all across the world.

Nobody takes notice of the scientists predictions, and they go about their own lives as if it is all bullshit. But as time progresses they will see that they spoke the truth and it will hit us hard.

There is no doubt that the population of the world must do something if we are to survive on the planet. Already the summer temperatures in very many countries have been much higher than in the past. Even in winter the snowfall is massive in some parts of the world, and temperatures are well below what they were in the 1950’s. We have so many hurricanes and typhoons that we have never seen before. Look at the damage that was caused in America by the five or six hurricanes that struck the coast. Huge floods devastated many of the American counties in the south, and it will take millions of dollars to repair this.

All the Caribbean Islands have had most of there houses destroyed and the people have no-where to live. This again will take millions of dollars to repair. But what of next year? Will the same thing happen next year and in the future all because of climate change. It saddens me to see so many people suffer when such a thing happens.

There can be little doubt that as we continue to poison our atmosphere, this type of thing will happen year on year and the weather will get worse. It’s OK to shrug it off and say nothing will happen to us, but the fact of the matter is, it will!

Mankind has to make some difficult decisions regarding how we live, for if not, we will see the end of humans on this planet at some time in the future.

It’s alright to say, but we will find other planets to live on, but how will we get to them, and what will life be like on these far off planets? No-one knows what life will be like on these planets for they are a great unknown. Will man be able to survive on them or will they die?

If we do find another planet to live on how many will go there. It is for sure that the greater majority will be left behind to die on Earth. Just a small portion of human beings will travel to another planet, for there will be no way we can transport them all.

I am glad I am old and will never see much more of the future for mankind, for I think it will be very difficult.

Roy.

How On Earth Could This Happen?

                                                USS John S. McCain

How on earth could such a collision happen? It seems to me totally inconceivable that two ships could hit one another in this day and age. Twice now we have had American warships involved in a collision with other ships. First we had the USS Fitzgerald off Japan, and now another one, USS John S. McCain off Singapore.

The only thing I can think of is the crews must have been totally incompetent on both ships. They both have sophisticated radar and it should have been easy to avoid a collision. The captain’s of both ships have been held accountable, and so they should for it was sheer incompetence for them to have a collision.

                                                      USS Fitzgerald

They must have seen on radar that the tankers were heading on a collision course and the officer on the bridge should have taken avoiding action. It is inconceivable that in this day and age, with all the technology that the Navy has that they could have been involved in a collision at sea.

The collision cost the lives of sailors who were doing their job and this is a scandal. In my view, the captains of both ships should serve jail time, plus the people on the bridge at the time. To needlessly throw away the lives of sailors through sheer stupidity must be a criminal offence.

Roy.

It’s All About Money – The Grenfell Tower Disaster

The Grenfell Tower disaster has cost many lives, and for sure the number of dead will increase as the investigation continues. If proper safety measures had been installed in the tower this would never have happened. But as usual it all comes down to money.

Businesses are always looking out for the cheapest possible way to solve problems, and this is evident in the Grenfell Tower killings. Why did they not install sprinkler systems to safeguard all floors? Why did they not use fire-retardant cladding on the outside of the building. These are questions that should be asked when the investigation begins.

Money rules the country in this day and age and all businesses are out to make as much profit as they can by  spending as little as possible on a project. Safety is of little concern to these people and they just hope that nothing happens.

It has been reported that the cladding fixed to the outside of the building was not fireproof and this was the major cause of the whole tower becoming a raging inferno. People living on the upper floors were not able to get down to ground level and save their lives so they all died in a most horrible way.

If the builders of the tower has spent a little more money to make the highrise safer many more would have survived. But it is a sign of our times where money rules everything.

I can understand the frustration of those that have survived for they have lost everything. Families, sons and daughters, parents and friends all because the builders wanted to save money. It is tragic when money rules everything.

Throughout the world the highrise has become extremely popular for we see them in cities across the world. Some may have the proper safety procedures, but not all, in fact, very few.

I think you are in constant danger when living in a highrise for the danger of fire is a constant threat. It only takes some idiot to make a mistake lower down and the entire tower is in danger.

The builders of these towers need to do whatever they can to make them safe in the event of an accident. They need to ensure that if a fire breaks out it does not spread to other floors, and that there is a proper escape plan for all residents. As these buildings get older the risk of tragedy gets steadily worse.

Roy.

Time For A Laugh

A Kiwi emigrated to Oz and opened up a petrol station. To increase its sales he put up a sign saying, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’ Soon a local, Bill, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The Kiwi told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bill then guessed 8, and the Kiwi said, ‘You were close’ the number was 7.  Sorry, no sex this time. A week later, Bill and his mate Bluey pulled in for a fill-up at the same station. Again Bill asked for his free sex. Again he got the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Bill guessed 2 this time. Again the Kiwi said, ‘Sorry, it was 4 ‘You were close’ but no free sex this time.’ As they were driving away, Bill said to his mate Bluey, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’  Bluey replied, ‘No it ain’t Bill, it ain’t rigged – my missus won twice last week.

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he deliberately spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it. He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.  Seeing this, she’d had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic Bitch.” She smiled and said to him, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed Goat Shagger! 

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…..’ His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’ The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’ ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’ The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers!

You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax  simultaneously. C. You don’t miss the Golf on Sky sports!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked… “Then why did you eat him?”

A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?” The man replied, “Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ….”

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest,” I’m Jesus Christ.” The Priest replies,” No son, you’re not!” So he says to the second,”I’m Jesus Christ.” He says,”No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says,” Look I can prove it.” He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,” JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniversaries are the next day. Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?” Rich man, “I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.” Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts?” Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car… ” The poor, “Man nodds in agreement.” Rich man, “What did you get your wife?” Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.” Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f**ck herself.”

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone 100 dollars who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in appropriate parts and said to his dad, “I wish I could do that.” Jimmy’s dad looked down at Jimmy and said, “Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!”

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.” The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.” The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!” “Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediately starts crying. Her brunette friend asks her, “Why are you crying dear?” Blonde says, “Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. “I’m so sorry,” says the brunette. The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again. The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, “My brother just called and said that his father died too.”

I hope you had a laugh. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

 

Have A Laugh

What a good shave will do for you!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC. He tells the priest, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist.” The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’  Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the lights out of this bloke at a party.  In my defence… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said – “Ok, good – you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either”

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. I said. That’s going to be a bit awkward init? Not really, He said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies:  ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

I hope you enjoyed this little offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.