How On Earth Could This Happen?

                                                USS John S. McCain

How on earth could such a collision happen? It seems to me totally inconceivable that two ships could hit one another in this day and age. Twice now we have had American warships involved in a collision with other ships. First we had the USS Fitzgerald off Japan, and now another one, USS John S. McCain off Singapore.

The only thing I can think of is the crews must have been totally incompetent on both ships. They both have sophisticated radar and it should have been easy to avoid a collision. The captain’s of both ships have been held accountable, and so they should for it was sheer incompetence for them to have a collision.

                                                      USS Fitzgerald

They must have seen on radar that the tankers were heading on a collision course and the officer on the bridge should have taken avoiding action. It is inconceivable that in this day and age, with all the technology that the Navy has that they could have been involved in a collision at sea.

The collision cost the lives of sailors who were doing their job and this is a scandal. In my view, the captains of both ships should serve jail time, plus the people on the bridge at the time. To needlessly throw away the lives of sailors through sheer stupidity must be a criminal offence.

Roy.

It’s All About Money – The Grenfell Tower Disaster

The Grenfell Tower disaster has cost many lives, and for sure the number of dead will increase as the investigation continues. If proper safety measures had been installed in the tower this would never have happened. But as usual it all comes down to money.

Businesses are always looking out for the cheapest possible way to solve problems, and this is evident in the Grenfell Tower killings. Why did they not install sprinkler systems to safeguard all floors? Why did they not use fire-retardant cladding on the outside of the building. These are questions that should be asked when the investigation begins.

Money rules the country in this day and age and all businesses are out to make as much profit as they can by  spending as little as possible on a project. Safety is of little concern to these people and they just hope that nothing happens.

It has been reported that the cladding fixed to the outside of the building was not fireproof and this was the major cause of the whole tower becoming a raging inferno. People living on the upper floors were not able to get down to ground level and save their lives so they all died in a most horrible way.

If the builders of the tower has spent a little more money to make the highrise safer many more would have survived. But it is a sign of our times where money rules everything.

I can understand the frustration of those that have survived for they have lost everything. Families, sons and daughters, parents and friends all because the builders wanted to save money. It is tragic when money rules everything.

Throughout the world the highrise has become extremely popular for we see them in cities across the world. Some may have the proper safety procedures, but not all, in fact, very few.

I think you are in constant danger when living in a highrise for the danger of fire is a constant threat. It only takes some idiot to make a mistake lower down and the entire tower is in danger.

The builders of these towers need to do whatever they can to make them safe in the event of an accident. They need to ensure that if a fire breaks out it does not spread to other floors, and that there is a proper escape plan for all residents. As these buildings get older the risk of tragedy gets steadily worse.

Roy.

Time For A Laugh

A Kiwi emigrated to Oz and opened up a petrol station. To increase its sales he put up a sign saying, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’ Soon a local, Bill, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The Kiwi told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bill then guessed 8, and the Kiwi said, ‘You were close’ the number was 7.  Sorry, no sex this time. A week later, Bill and his mate Bluey pulled in for a fill-up at the same station. Again Bill asked for his free sex. Again he got the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Bill guessed 2 this time. Again the Kiwi said, ‘Sorry, it was 4 ‘You were close’ but no free sex this time.’ As they were driving away, Bill said to his mate Bluey, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’  Bluey replied, ‘No it ain’t Bill, it ain’t rigged – my missus won twice last week.

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp. Every time he ate one, he deliberately spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it. He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.  Seeing this, she’d had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic Bitch.” She smiled and said to him, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed Goat Shagger! 

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…..’ His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’ The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’ ‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’ The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’ The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers!

You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax  simultaneously. C. You don’t miss the Golf on Sky sports!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked… “Then why did you eat him?”

A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?” The man replied, “Give me the shotgun and bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ….”

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest,” I’m Jesus Christ.” The Priest replies,” No son, you’re not!” So he says to the second,”I’m Jesus Christ.” He says,”No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says,” Look I can prove it.” He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,” JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniversaries are the next day. Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?” Rich man, “I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.” Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts?” Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car… ” The poor, “Man nodds in agreement.” Rich man, “What did you get your wife?” Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.” Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f**ck herself.”

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his privates unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone 100 dollars who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in appropriate parts and said to his dad, “I wish I could do that.” Jimmy’s dad looked down at Jimmy and said, “Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!”

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.” The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.” The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!” “Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediately starts crying. Her brunette friend asks her, “Why are you crying dear?” Blonde says, “Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. “I’m so sorry,” says the brunette. The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again. The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, “My brother just called and said that his father died too.”

I hope you had a laugh. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

 

Have A Laugh

What a good shave will do for you!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC. He tells the priest, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist.” The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’  Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the lights out of this bloke at a party.  In my defence… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said – “Ok, good – you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either”

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. I said. That’s going to be a bit awkward init? Not really, He said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies:  ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

I hope you enjoyed this little offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

Britain Is Not What It Used To Be!

It is a sad fact that the population of Britain have become uncaring to violence on the streets. I read a piece on the news today that proves we have become totally immune to street fights and gangs so long as we are not the victims.

A young asylum seeker was attacked on Shrublands Avenue, Croydon by up to six youths who beat him to a pulp, and what is most sad, is that a crowd of twenty or so people gathered to watch but did nothing to stop it. About half of those who arrived at the scene, instead of stopping it went in and helped the six youths by kicking the the teenager as well. The rest of the people stood watching as the gang of youths beat him and kicked him, mostly in the facial area, until he was gravely injured.

Needlessly to say, the victim ended up in hospital with a fractured skull and a blood clot on his brain.

Why the attack happened no-one knows, but the most probable cause was because he was a foreigner.

I just cannot understand why so many people gathered to watch, and joined in the kicking while no-one intervened, but stood by and watched the poor youth get half beaten to death.

In my day many of the men who came on the scene would have intervened and put a stop to it, but not today. Today people have a morbid curiosity when such things happen and they like to watch.

So far the police have arrested six people for the beating, but with the law being what it is today, they will probably be let off with a warning, or maybe a few days of community service.

There is no doubt that Britain is not what it was in my day, for such a thing would never have happened, and if it did people would step in to stop it. It is a sad indication of what Britain has become today.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan said: “Hate crime has no place in London, Britain or anywhere else. Our communities will not be divided by those who seek to sow hate. And we will always take a zero tolerance approach to hate crimes of any type. Anyone who witnesses a hate crime should report it to the police immediately.”

Well, let’s hope the Law does its job and punishes these villains severely.

Roy.

Not All American’s Are Dumb

I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..”  His response — click..

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!”

I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map”

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

A Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

 

A Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas … When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

People can be so funny at times. I hope you enjoyed this.

Roy.

 

 

Laugh For Free

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,  ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She replies, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers’ Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?” The trooper asks: “What are you doing?” The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And, her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.” Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.” The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?” The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant undertaker.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing…. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits”. I said. “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

When asked by a young patrol officer, “Do you know you were speeding?” This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:- “Yes, but …. I had to get there before I forgot where I was going.” The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. Makes perfectly good sense to me!!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’ ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine:     “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine:       “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘Computer’?”  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “Computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that  “Computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”),  because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.  

The women’s group, however,  concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”),  because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. The women won.

‘Til next time.

Roy.