Archive for the Senior Citizen Category

Winston Churchill Had Sex With Me

Posted in America, Britain, Children, England, Justice, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, Teens, UK with tags , , , , on 03/01/2015 by floroy1942
Sir Winston Churchill

Sir Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill shoved his willy up my bum when I was three years old. OOH! Shock, horror! I remember it well, he came to our house in war-torn Reading looking for some relaxation from his duties as Prime Minister and took a fancy to me. My parents could not object because he was so famous.

Yea! Right! My claim is just as credible as those that are being made against other famous figures that are currently suffering under allegations from forty or fifty years ago, like Cliff Richard and today, Prince Andrew. I do not believe a word of these ridiculous claims any more than I would that the man in the Moon really exists!

He Sure As Hell Did!

He Sure As Hell Did!

Ever since the Jimmy Saville news broke there have been countless claims of molestation against various stars and famous personalities dreamed up by old women looking for a moment of fame, or more likely some form of compensation. These people are destroying the reputation of famous people just to get their name in the papers.

There can be little doubt that the accusations against Saville are true and it was unfortunate that he died before he could face justice. Some of the other people mentioned in the past year could also be guilty, but imagine being faced with a star struck young girl who will do anything to take away a lasting memory of you. As a young man it would be a huge effort to say no.

Beatles Fan Overcome With Emotion

Beatles Fan Overcome With Emotion

During the sixties, with the coming of rock groups like The Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Elvis etc, girls who went to their shows were fainting, crying, and screaming their heads off, overcome by the sheer emotion of the moment and would do anything to get close enough to touch these performers. It was adoration taken to ridiculous lengths. Any girl who got close enough would literally throw themselves at their pop idol just for the thrill of having any form of physical contact, and of course be able to tell their friends. I know I have seen it.

In many cases these young girls managed to get backstage and would stalk the stars and even sneak into their dressing rooms. Such was their hysteria that to be kissed or groped by them was the ultimate moment. For the stars themselves it was always a game of ‘cat and mouse’ as they tried to get out of the theatre without being mobbed.

Elvis Fans

Elvis Fans

Now today, thirty, forty or more years later, these same women are coming forward claiming they were ‘raped’ or ‘groped’ by these stars. So my question is, why did they wait so long to come forward? IF a crime was committed, why wait half a lifetime before coming forward and accusing these ageing stars? The same can be said about the current allegations against Prince Andrew.

It would appear that if you are, or were famous, any upstart can come forward with absurd claims of sexual impropriety and be believed.

It's Often About The Money

It’s Often About The Money

One of the main reasons I believe is the quest for some form of monetary compensation that can often be large amounts if the court finds for the plaintiff. It has nothing to do with the original act, brought about by the obsession for notoriety among their friends. If something happened in the sixties, why wait fifty years before coming forward, instead of going to the Police immediately afterwards.

At the time, if you could tell your friends that you got into so and so’s dressing room and were either ‘groped’ or had sex with them, you were a star in your own right among your friends, who naturally were all jealous.

Name Dragged In The Mud!

Name Dragged In The Mud!

The one thing that got me incensed recently was the disgraceful events surrounding the allegations against Sir Cliff Richard, where the BBC were allowed to even film the search of his property while the Police looked for evidence. What did they expect to find? Perhaps it was DNA from a display of ancient used condoms Cliff kept in a closet!

For this many heads should roll, and not just among the Police. The most shameful thing about the whole episode was that he knew nothing about it and was not even in country!

Now allegations are being made about Prince Andrew who is supposed to have had sex with a woman when she was under-age in three separate locations, i.e. London, New York and a Caribbean island. It all smells very fishy to me! If these allegations should prove to be untrue this woman should be locked up for a long time.

Prince Andrew

Prince Andrew

There can be little doubt that the Prince chose badly when he became friends with Jeffry Epstein who is supposed to have ‘forced’ under-aged girls into having sex, but that does not necessarily mean that the Prince is guilty. I am sure the girl, even if she was under-age would have enjoyed the rich lifestyle she was forced to ‘suffer’ at the hands of Epstein. Also, if she was under-age at the time why has it taken fourteen years for her to come forward?

No, I’m sorry but none of this holds water for me, and since the hundreds of women who have come forward in the last year about illegal sex with stars I don’t believe a word of it. These women have an ulterior motive behind their coming forward, either money or notoriety. I just feel sorry for the innocents whose reputation have been irrevocably damaged by these allegations.

In conclusion I wish to apologise to the Churchill family for using Winston’s name in this post. He was a great man, and without doubt saved this country from being trampled underfoot by the Nazi scourge. God Bless Him!

Roy

New Year Cheer

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Children, Europe, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen with tags , , , on 01/01/2015 by floroy1942

Happy New Year everyone. I hope all your dreams come true, and you find all that you seek. Here is a small offering to start off another year.

 

Three Kings

Teacher:

“Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?”

Little Johnny answered:

“Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.”

ATT00052

Amazing video of a six-year-old Chinese girl with the voice of an angel. At first I thought ‘not my cup of tea’, but after watching it I realized that she is an absolute miracle, with most certainly an amazing future ahead of her.

ATT00067

 

Keep smiling, and whatever you do, don’t let people or events drag you down.

Roy.

Christmas – A Time To Be Happy

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Children, England, Europe, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, UK with tags , , , , on 25/12/2014 by floroy1942

Its that time of year again when we are supposed to put all our worries to one side and enjoy the Christmas spirit. I hope this helps!

Old Folks

 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92, have lost all my friends, but, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

The last photo I have of my dog!

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The Kingdom of Thailand

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony: They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A Beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them. The men’s penises would then spring back up and go “WHAP!” against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .

Law Abiding Englishman

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning, I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the Channel. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all of the explosives he was carrying. If he didn’t get help, he’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Kent Police and the Home Office. It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I’m starting to think that I wasted two stamps.

Ever wondered why Walmart is so famous – Here’s why:

Mommas Chatting (as you do)

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.” ”Yes, I remember him as a baby.” says the other mother cheerfully.

“He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides. “Oh, so sad dear…” says the other.

”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.” ”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, ”he had such curly hair when he was born.” ”He’s a martyr too…” says the mother quietly. ”Oh, gracious me…” says the other.

”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18”, she whispers. “Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started school…” ”He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says……..
“They blow up so fast nowadays don’t they?”

Teacher

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year . . . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas

Have a happy holiday.

Roy

Time For A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Germany, News, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 31/10/2014 by floroy1942

 Life is what you make it, and to have a good laugh now and then does you good.

Financial Planning

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!


 A Winter Tale

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the wife went out and moved their car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The wife went out and moved their car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…………”  then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”


 One Liners.

I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the side-walk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct answer either.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber  jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway


My First Drink With My Son

I was readings an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – so I had it. Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it. It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.


 Row, Row, Row Your Boat!

image111

 News Flash from Vancouver…….

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of BC today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Canada, towards Asia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white Canadians who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.

 We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.
 
REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65 !

Hope you liked it.

Roy.

The Alternative ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Posted in America, Britain, England, Europe, European Union, News, Old Age Pensioner, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 03/08/2014 by floroy1942

This book, now famous, has been read by millions of people but I nearly hurt myself laughing at this alternative version. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Fifty Shades of Grey
 by Pam Ayres

 


The missus bought a paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

 

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

 

 Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

 

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

 

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

 

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!

 

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

First of all let me apologise to Pam Aryes for any slight she may feel has been committed here, and secondly my thanks to a friend who sent me this. Third, my thanks and appreciation to the unknown writer of this masterpiece of satire.

Roy.

Then Versus Now!

Posted in America, Children, England, Environment, Europe, Health, News, Parenting, Senior Citizen, UK with tags , , , , on 25/06/2014 by floroy1942

A friend from many years ago sent me this and I thought I would pass it on. Many people will agree with this, but it may confuse the younger ones who have never experienced life as it was.

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread  butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no  bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning..

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper  in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember  getting e. Coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the  lake  or at the beach instead of a  pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We  all took PE ……. And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop  sand shoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air  cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small  car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because  they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at  school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the  rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in  our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell  almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct  letter……., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective  of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got  upset.

Staying in detention after school caught all  sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t  got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish  something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t  recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo,  X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren’t!!

Oh yeah … And where was the antibiotics and  sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel  left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the  2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it’s a  trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and  then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a  threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had  ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we  possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or  anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal  ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking  Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

After reading this you may begin to agree that we are over-doing things these days. I guess it all depends on your point of view.

Thanks Geoff.

Roy.

A Lesson For Young Smart Asses About ‘Going Green’

Posted in America, Britain, Environment, Europe, Insanity, Modern World, Parenting, Senior Citizen, Teens with tags , , , on 23/11/2012 by floroy1942

Some young people today seem to think they know it all when it comes to saving the planet. Many blame the old folks for not taking greater care of our environment, but just to set them straight here is something I received through the e-mail that should open their eyes, so show it to your kids or send it on to any smart-asses you know.

Being Green

Checking out at the  store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring  her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized  and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk  responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to  save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our  generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned  milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them  back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use  the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the  green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged  our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most  memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as  book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the  books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings.  Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t  do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs,  because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We  walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine  every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We  didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed  the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes  on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and  solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got  hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new  clothing.

But that young lady is  right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one  TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small  screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of  the state of Montana or Province of Ontario . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because  we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.. When we packaged a  fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion  it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an  engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran  on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health  club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we  didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a  fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every  time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of  buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of  throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the  green thing back then.

Back then, people took  the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead  of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical  outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.  And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from  satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger  joint.

But isn’t it sad the  current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we  didn’t have the green thing back then?

Roy.

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