Archive for the Senior Citizen Category

Midweek Laugh!

Posted in Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, News, Senior Citizen, Teens, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 20/01/2016 by floroy1942

1

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

2

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from a cliff. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

3

 “A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

4

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

5

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.  One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

6

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

7

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” His wife says, “Take half and leave your ass!” The man replies, “Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Children, England, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, Teens with tags , , , , on 14/09/2015 by floroy1942

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930’s 1940’s, 50’s, and 60’s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos…They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

1We had no child-proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos…
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……..WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
2We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have PlayStation’s, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’s!

3Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of……..They actually sided with the law!

4Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’ and ‘Tiger’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And if YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

My thanks to the anonymous writer and the friend who sent it to me through the e-mail.

‘Til next time.

Roy.

Happy Weekend

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, England, European Union, Insanity, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, UK with tags , , , on 31/07/2015 by floroy1942

1

This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on, either.”

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

3

Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

4

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor’s house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’

5

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you. Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.  He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:-

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

A good laugh never did anyone any harm. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

 

Sunday Nonsense

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Children, England, Europe, News, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 22/03/2015 by floroy1942

Anniversary

Worth A Thought!

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they’ll have disappeared…

Shells

My girlfriend has just had a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. It’s that realistic. If you place your ear right up to it, you can smell the ocean.

My Girlfriend

My girlfriend is having a baby. Everyone is predicting what it is going to be.
My Nan says, “She is carrying it high so it is going to be a girl.”
My other Nan says, “It is going to be a boy.”
My Mum says, “It is going to be about eight pounds.”
My mate Leroy says, “It is going to be black.”

Kids

Never Assume

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years…I thought he meant his money!!”

 

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You Are Never Too Old

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!” The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. “Sure, why?” “Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to cum!”

Wish

Pope Joke

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Mohammad

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. “What’s your name?”, asked the teacher. “Mohammad,” he replied. “You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike. Mohammad returned home after school. “How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked. “My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. His mother replied, “Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” And she beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. “What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked. “Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two bloody Arabs.”

Ouch

 

A Fireman’s Tale

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes’ search, the chief looks down an alley, and there’s Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says, “What the hell is going on?” Olson says, “Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation.” The chief says, “Smoke inhalation? You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! ” Olson says, “I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another…”

‘Til next time.

Roy

The Weekend Is Here!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, Teens with tags , , , , on 06/03/2015 by floroy1942

Little

Joe And Paddy

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

Funny-cartoon-and-now-relax

Age Has It!

An  elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland  had owned a large farm for several years. He  had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach  trees. One evening the old farmer decided to  go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a  while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty  litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he  neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and  laughing with glee.  As he came closer,  he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping  in his pond. He made the women aware of his  presence and they all went to the deep  end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re  not coming out until you leave!’ The old man  frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond  naked.’ Holding the bucket up he  said, ‘I’m here to feed the  crocodile…’
Some old men can still think  fast.

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Birthday Treat

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. “I’d like to be eight again” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Funny-cartoons

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

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God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

A Lighter Moment

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Insanity, Modern World, News, Senior Citizen, UK with tags , , , , on 14/02/2015 by floroy1942

Take time out for a chuckle.

Whyatt-piranha-comic

Here’s a little story to cheer up all men!

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where there are beautiful nurses who are more gentle and accommodating.

As usual, he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. “At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” said the nurse.

“I haven’t got an erection,” said the man.

“No, but I have” replied the nurse.

Wyatt

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don’t get offers like that every day.

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A Simple But Effective Security System

 TEL AVIV, Israel – The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armoured booth you step into, that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers,  El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”

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Film

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool.”

His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”

Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”

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The Lost Keys

Several days ago, as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. “Hello My Love”, I stammered; I always call him “My Love” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car.”

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Robbery

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, “I can’t believe they raped my wife after only five beers!”

Every-Morning

Famous Quotes:

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  Rodney Dangerfield

 “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”  Lynn Lavner

 “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”   Camille Paglia

 “Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”  George Burns

 “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”  Sharon Stone

 “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”Tiger Woods

 “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”Jack Nicholson

 “Clinton  lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”  Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

whyatt

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

Sometimes I Really Do Despair At My Fellow Man

Posted in America, Britain, Christianity, England, Europe, Modern World, News, Police, Senior Citizen, Theft with tags , , , , on 07/02/2015 by floroy1942

In my lifetime I have seen major changes in the way people live their lives, but today I read about a case that is more than shocking. The incident was to say the least despicable, but is a good example of how uncaring people have become. I fully realize that not all people are bad and am grateful for that, but it still leaves an increasing proportion of ordinary folk who will stoop lower than the animals on this planet of ours.

The incident took place in Leigh, Greater Manchester in the UK last Wednesday when an 82 year-old woman was hit by a truck and left dying. While she was lying in the road a man walked up to her, stole her purse then walked off! I have to admit that in all my years I have seldom heard of such a callous act from a human being.

The police were called by witnesses but when they arrived the woman was dead. Detective Sergeant Neil Lawless who attended the incident said: “This is one of the most disgusting crimes I have ever investigated and I find it hard to believe someone could stoop so low to commit such a horrific offence. This man has taken what he sees as an easy opportunity by stealing a purse from a dying woman.”

Sadly, this kind of incident is not restricted to the shores of Britain for last month two men stole the wedding ring, purse and ifone from a  woman who suffered a brain aneurysm while buying food for her family at a Taco Bell drive-thru in Wichita, Kansas.

Again in Britain, Rochelle Palmer, 25, of Oakfield Road, Croydon, turned up at a pensioner’s sheltered housing complex in Eden Road on December 11, and asked to use the toilet. She asked for a cup of coffee and while the old gent was in the kitchen making it she stole bank cards, two rings and £85 cash.  Later that evening she used the cards to withdraw £500 cash and made purchases totalling £440 using the stolen plastic, police said. Ten days later she had the gall to return to the pensioners house, pushed him to the ground and took £180 from the coffee table. In total, Palmer stole £1,200 from her vulnerable victim. I am ashamed to say that after she was sentenced she only received 16 months in prison after pleading guilty to theft, fraud by false representation and robbery at Croydon Crown Court.

What have I said before about British Justice being soft on crime! For such a heinous crime she should have received at least two years.

Cases of this nature give a good indication of the depths to which certain people today will go for a small reward. When I was a young man this sort of thing was unthinkable. I remember that my grandparents never locked the door to their house. Not at night, and not even when going away for a two-week holiday. Their house was never broken into in all the years they lived.

Nowadays, leave your door unlocked for a minute and some lowlife will sneak in and steal whatever they can get their hands on. In England it is quite common for houses to be robbed while the family are watching TV in the front room!

There can be little doubt that as the years progress it will get worse for, in England at least, the courts are soft on crime and never hand out a sentence intended to deter future transgressions. People today are constantly looking for something for nothing, and sadly, more often than not, they find it which makes them want more.

I am well aware there are still kind, generous people out there still willing to help those less fortunate, but these days that just makes them victims. As these tales show, old folks are the most vulnerable and are constantly targeted by the heartless among us.

I makes me wonder what people will be like in, say, fifty years time. I dread to think!

Roy.

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