Have A Laugh

What a good shave will do for you!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC. He tells the priest, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist.” The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’  Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

StarTrek

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the lights out of this bloke at a party.  In my defence… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’ A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

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The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said – “Ok, good – you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either”

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted. Where you off to Charlie? He said, I’m off to change a light bulb. Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. I said. That’s going to be a bit awkward init? Not really, He said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

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A son asked his mother the following  question:  ‘ Mom, why  are wedding dresses white? ‘ The mother looks at her son and replies:  ‘ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’  The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  ‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white?  The father  looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

I hope you enjoyed this little offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

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