Laugh For Free

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,  ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’ She replies, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers’ Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?” The trooper asks: “What are you doing?” The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And, her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.” Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.” The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?” The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant undertaker.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’ The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing…. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits”. I said. “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

When asked by a young patrol officer, “Do you know you were speeding?” This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:- “Yes, but …. I had to get there before I forgot where I was going.” The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. Makes perfectly good sense to me!!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’ I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’ ‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine:     “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine:       “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘Computer’?”  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “Computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that  “Computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”),  because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.  

The women’s group, however,  concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”),  because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. The women won.

‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

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