Something To Cheer You Up

1

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer: Throw in your washing….We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said. “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” I said, “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No.” he said, “He choked on a sock.”

2

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.  You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Continental,” was the reply.  “We got a great rate!” “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.  “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!  They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They too were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”  “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” “Oh, really!  What’d he say?”  He said: “Who in hell cut your hair?”

3

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.  We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame.  We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.  It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.  He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.

Thank you, 
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S.   The Committee has raised $2.16 so far…. ($2.00 of which was from the Clinton Foundation)

4

A woman went into a pet store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blow jobs!” “Blow jobs!” the woman exclaimed. “It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true? No more blow jobs for her, so she bought the frog. When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!… The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night however, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. “What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.
Her husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re history.”

6

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?” The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

5

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, “We realise it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.” “Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.” “So, after the ceremony, I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man. “No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam.” “Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?” “Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!” “What about different positions?” asks the man. “No problem,” says the Mullah. “Woman on top?” “Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!” “On the kitchen table?” “Yes, yes!” “Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?” “You may indeed!” “Can we do it standing up?” “Absolutely not!” says the Mullah.” “Why not?” asks the man. “It could lead to dancing!”

British humour as it used to be:  absolutely politically incorrect.
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
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Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
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During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
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An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.  It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.” To which the call centre employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line”.

I hope you enjoyed a laugh! ‘Til next time.

Roy.

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