A Funny Look At 2016

1Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few Brandy and Cokes and a couple of double shots …I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

2A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a  Sign on it saying: Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.  He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

3

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

4

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and  said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me,  ‘has your plane arrived yet?’…

5

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt !!!

6

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook  asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

7

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

8

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps. Reporter: When do you drink water? Hattie: I’ve never been that sick. 

9

I hope you enjoyed it. Have a happy new year.

Roy.

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