Joke Time – It’s Friday

1

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

2

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, “You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver’s licence.” The blonde asks, “What does that look like?” The blonde cop answers, “It is rectangular and has your picture on it.” The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, “Oh, I didn’t know you were also an officer. You can go!”

3

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

4

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbor says, “All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red.” The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman’s house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says “No, they’re still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!”

5

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, “Wow, where did you get that?” She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped.” Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, “Wow, Where did you get that?” She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped.” The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, “Wow, where did you get that?” She says, “I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn’t stop.”

6

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. “Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out “352!” He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. “I’ll take this one,” she says proudly. “It’s the cutest!” “Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “If I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?”

7

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”

8

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

9

 

A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house’s doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. “Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?” she asked. The boy replied, “Under my buckin’ hat.”

11

I hope you enjoyed it. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

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