Laugh And Be Happy!

1

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, “I’m a pilot! People need me to fly planes!” and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, “My hair won’t look pretty if I’m dead!” and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, “Son, I’ve lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven.” The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, “Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?” The high schooler replies, “The blonde lady took my backpack!”

2

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

3

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button. Va-voom.”

The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.” At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.” “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary’.” The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for  breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. “What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.”

“Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up’.” Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. “My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?” The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”

4

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away. The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?” The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.” “Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said. “Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked. “Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbour lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

5

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

7

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”

7

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

8

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.'” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!”

9

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.” The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. “That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.” “No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees. The boy says to the girl: “Go on climb that tree.” The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants. After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened. Her mum says: “oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.” The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did. when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: “My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.” The girl replied and said: “No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!”

11

Have a great day!

Roy.

2 Responses to “Laugh And Be Happy!”

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