Bring In The New Year With A Laugh

1

An Italian Mama

Mrs. Ravioli visits her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his Mama’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered: “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying: “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Anthony replied: “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So, he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing, ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving Mama.

Moral: Never Bull Shit your Mama.

 

2

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven. God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke. God asked “Why did you laugh I haven’t even told the joke yet” The blonde said “I know I just now got the first one!!!”

3

I got so pissed off this morning, I was out for a walk when I came across 3 Muslim women in full robes. I thought to myself I should make an effort and try to talk to them to understand their culture and welcome them to mine. I tried talking to them for about ten minutes, without a single response, not a sound. I was about to hurl a mouthful of abuse at them for being so ignorant when I realized I was talking to 3 outdoor umbrellas!

4

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in. One of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying, ‘We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.’ The old man said, ‘There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.’ One of the old Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.’ Embarrassed just a little,but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, ‘You’re 87 years old!’
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess?’
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison – ‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’

5

They Have Finally Arrived:

6

THE NEW SUNGLASSES COLLECTION 2016

(What did you think I was on about!?)

Ten Things To Ponder:

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like …  night.
4. On the other hand……………….you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
9. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
10. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

7

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

9

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. ” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

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To make it stand, you wet it!
To make it wet you suck it!
To make it stiff you lick it!
To get it in you push it!
Damn!!!! Threading a needle when you’re old is a bitch.

10

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‘Til next time.

Roy

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