Have A Laugh This Christmas

It’s Christmas, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy holiday and a wonderful New Year.

 

1

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, ‘Mary. Mary.’ ‘Is that you, Fred?’ ‘Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.’
‘What’s it like?’ ‘Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.’ ‘Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.’ ‘Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Suffolk .’

2

A couple was invited to a swanky family’s masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his  outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”

Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, “you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” And the husband returned “actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time”

3

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

4

 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION   
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  – ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I’ve just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION – ‘You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL  – ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC – ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC – ‘If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you’re not coming shopping with me.’
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT – ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
7.  My mother taught me IRONY  – ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS – ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM – ‘Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA – ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER – ‘Your room looks as if a tornado went through it.’
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY – ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE – ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.’
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION – ‘Stop acting like your father!’
15. My mother taught me about ENVY – ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION – ‘Just wait until you get home.’
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING  – ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE – ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.’
19. My mother taught me ESP – ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
20. My mother taught me HUMOR – ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT  – ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
22. My mother taught me GENETICS – ‘You’re just like your father.’
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS – ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. – ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE – ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’

6

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up. The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife said, ‘I don’t know, Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

6

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

 7

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’ The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

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