A Cure For Mid-Week Blues

1

WHY WOMEN CAN’T FIX CARS.
It would never have crossed my mind, but another of life’s mysteries explained!! It honestly never occurred to me because I always thought it had something to do with protecting their fingernails!!!!

2

Dear Abby,
My husband hasn’t worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he’s always telling me he knows I’m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated …..
Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ……. you’re running for President of the United States, so try acting like one !
Abby

 

3

 

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr.Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! – this is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be £500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young:  “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young:  “Oh, no you don’t,  – that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back.  That will be £500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak – I can hardly see anything!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your £1000 back.” (giving him a £10 note)

Dr. Young: “But this is only £10!”

Dr. Geezer:  “Congratulations!  You got your vision back; that will be £500.”

Moral of story – Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

4

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.””Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.” Son number two arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”. “It’s nothing,” said the father.  “We’re glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”  The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too!”

5

A barman was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The barman nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the bar stool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The barman nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser (A man from Liverpool), who swaggered into the bar and yelled, “Barman, gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God’s Boy down dere?” The barman nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you  are  healed!” The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door.

Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t you touch me! I’m on Disability!”

6

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. ‘I’ve got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?’ God says ‘We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just  the dozen in.’ Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. ‘They’ve gone’, he tells God. ‘What?’ says God, ‘All 40 of them?’ ‘No, the gates’.

I hope you enjoyed the laugh, remember it’s good for the soul.

‘Til Next time.

Roy.

 

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