Midweek Blues Cure

1

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “Each pill was $10, not $110.””I knew that,” said Grandpa. “. “The hundred is from Grandma”

2

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

 We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.  We think it’s a super bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

 This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Ted isn’t crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

 Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file.  I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and   buy some more beer and ammo.  Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

3

Three sisters aged… 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells… “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cuppa tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says…”I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”  She then knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

5

 It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll  get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

6

Quotes

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”  Jack Nicholson
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”   Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”   Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”  Robert De Niro

 Lance Armstrong – I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he’s achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs. — When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

7

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  “You’re kind of cute you gotta a phone number?” I said, “Yea you gotta pen?”

She said “Yea”, I got a pen”. I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you”. Cost me 6 stitches

‘Til next time.

Roy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: