Time For A Bit Of Fun!

1

Woman goes to the Doctors and says “I’m getting too much discharge”. Doctor says “Slip your knickers off and pop on to the bed”. He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. “How does that feel?” he asks. “Lovely” she replies “But the discharge is in my ear!”

2
A Split Second To OUCH!

A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

3
Wacky Newspaper Headlines

Scottish WeddingAt the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” — The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX – Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

4

Official Labour Party Leader – Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is leader. So its official – the Labour party is now run by Tom & Jerry.

5
Volkswagan Triumph Again!

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Jim, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Jim and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Jim snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.” The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Jim shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.” The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy- tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jim into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Jim sat up and watched me all night.”

6

In the light of recent police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries I have taken down the St. George’s flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our Neighbourhood Watch.
I’ve bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the centre. Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK Counter Terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7. We’ve never felt safer and we’re saving £24.95 a month.

8
Modern Times

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what ‘s your plan?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

9
A Modern View To The End Of Life

Say, what’s your name?’ the bartender asked the first duck. ‘Huey,’ was the reply. ‘How’s your day been, Huey?’ ‘Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?’ said Huey.
‘Oh. That’s nice,’ said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, ‘Hi, and what’s your name?’ ‘Dewey,’ came the answer from duck number two. ‘So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?’ he asked.
‘Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?’
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, ‘So, you must be Louie?’ ‘No,’ she said, batting her eyelashes. ‘My name is Puddles..’

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

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