Yippee – It’s Weekend!

1

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still trapped securely in place, was the trailer!

2

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian from a good family, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her “Don’t worry Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he will take good care of you.  Meanwhile I’ll be making pasta”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt exposing his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says “Mama mama, Tony’s got a hairy chest!” “Don’t worry Maria, all good Italian men have hairy chests…. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you”

So up she went again. When she got there Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran down to her mother. “Mama mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”  Her mother said “Don’t worry, all good men have hairy legs.  Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you”

So up she went again. When she got there Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.  Maria saw this and again ran downstairs.  “Mama mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!” Her mama said “You stay here and stir the pasta!!

3

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?”
Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister. Asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says. “You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago”.

5

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

6

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.””Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March…..”

6

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow,  the lead flight attendant  for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take off, by our airport catering service… I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals… I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

7

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” The General said, “Well, anything I can do to help?” The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is … Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.” The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, “That’s because it takes place in the future…

Have a great weekend. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

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