Laughter Is The Best Medicine!

Time once again to banish the blues and have a laugh!

1

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper. “Carburettor’s frozen,” was the terse reply. “Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.” “I can’t,” said the biker.

“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…”

2

The Office Party.

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Alison,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete arse of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face.”

‘’He’s an arsehole,” Dave said.”I could piss on him.” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, f#ck him then” said Dave. “I already have,” said Alison, “You’re back at work on Monday.’’

3

Ethel was a bit of a demon  in her wheelchair, and  loved to charge around the nursing home, taking  corners on one wheel and  getting up to maximum speed on the long  corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor   when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. ‘STOP!’ he shouted in a firm voice. ‘Have you got a license for that thing?’ Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.  ‘OK’ he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, ‘STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?’  Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said ‘On your way, Ma’am.’

 As Ethel neared the  final corridor, Crazy  Craig stepped out in front of her, butt naked, and holding his  ‘You-Know-What’ in his hand. ‘Oh, good grief,’ yelled Ethel, ’not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!’

5

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn’t have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear: “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: “Thank you” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: “Thank you.”
The Arab asks the bartender: “What’s the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,   and all he does is smile and thank me.”
The bartender replies: “He owns the place.”

6

JULIA’S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting and I can’t wait!
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
————————————————————-
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
———————————————————-
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
————————————————————-
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives. . . Twice.

7 

A Retired Person’s Perspective:

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what ‘s your plan? 

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

‘Til next time. Have a great day!

Roy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: