Laugh – It’s Friday

1

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines down the middle of the road. He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day’s work.
After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he’d painted four miles of road instead of the two required.
On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road. The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn’t complain as this was, after all, only what he’d asked for.
On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, “On yer first day, ya did four moiles o’ road. On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What’s up?”
Paddy replied, “Well, oil tell ya what’s up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see, every day I gets ferder an’ ferder away from de paint can!”

This is life-saving information for people who live near beaches. This is the most reliable and most preferred early warning system of an earthquake known to humans.

2

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 87 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

3

A 75 year old lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilized or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2b.’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilized or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you bugger all in here.

4Why the Greeks are in trouble

 Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor’s house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”. The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

5

Words Of Wisdom

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS!

Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may STATE their preferences, but will still grab whatever is available.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please, don’t eat any of the other employees.” The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads “No.” After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool,” the leader continued! “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”

‘Til next time.

Roy.

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