Sunday Humour

1

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…

2

How come you can’t keep an erection these days?” Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at a shag.
“I’m sorry love, it’s not my fault.” I told her, “It’s the mirror.” “Really?” She said, disbelievingly. “The mirror??” “Yeah.” I replied. “Go and have a look in it.

3

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day.
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” I replied, I’m just a shit golfer.”

New Security Measures At The Channel Tunnel

New Security Measures At The Channel Tunnel

Walkers are to add a new flavour crisps to their range.
“Semen flavour” They will be marketed as “diet crisps” as 99% of women will spit them back out.

5

I prefer the light on and I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex. It makes it difficult to see them through the window.

6

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……”

7

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse. Both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get help. The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny car. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him after tying the other end to the rear bumper of the car. The chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse. Happy and proud the chicken drove the car back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his thing and he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him out saving his life. The Moral Of The Story: When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

8

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Enjoy your weekend.  ‘Til next time.

Roy

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