British Humour

Says It All

Says It All

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says ‘I’ll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay-day” The boy replies ‘that’s al-right Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway.’

1

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” – George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

2

A successful man, working as a sales representative in a large company, tells his boss one day: If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise. You have 24 hours to give me an answer. I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision.
The boss is alarmed. In this recession, a 20 percent raise? So many employees are being laid off, so many others have seen a major cut in their salaries. You want a 20% raise?
“I will not argue with you,” says the employee. “As I said, there are four companies pursuing me. So just let me know your decision.”
Next day, the boss calls him in, and says, that due to his great performance he decided to comply and will give him the requested raise.
“Great,” the man says. “if so, I will continue gladly with you.” As he is leaving his boss asks him: “out of curiosity, who are the four companies chasing you?” “Oh” man responds: “Master Card, Visa, American Express, and the mortgage company.

3

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” –  Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” – Billy Crystal

4

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. Could it be Andre Rieu, he thinks to himself? He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827.” Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker says: “He’s decomposing.”

6

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

I recently diversified my Pension Fund and spent €6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I arranged for him to be put out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at  a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, the Vet was called to have a look at him.   The Vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him one per day.
The bull started to service the cows in two days, all of them! He even broke through the fence and bred with all the neighbour’s cows!  He was like a machine!  I don’t know what was  in the pills the Vet gave him…but they kind of taste like peppermint.

7

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?” Paddy replies, “I’m sending a voice-mail ya thick sod!”

9

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL.” – Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to play pool with a rope.” – Camille Paglia

I hope you enjoyed it. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

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