Banish Midweek Blues

1

Sepp Blatter is going to use all of his spare time to concentrate on improving his tennis game. Rumour has it that his forehand isn’t anything special but his back-handers are absolutely amazing!

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before. Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes. “You know you were shagging me in the ass, don’t you?” “I wasn’t quite sure,” replied the man. “Surely you realized that it wasn’t like our normal sex. Why didn’t you stop?” pleaded the wife. “You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions…”

Monday Morning

Monday Morning

Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Taff, ‘Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?’ Villager: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid English bastard.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’ Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’ Taff: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the Villager) Dog: ‘Yep’. Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’ Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.’ Taff: (look of utter disbelief).

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’ Taff: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’ Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’ Horse: ‘Cool’. Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (pointing at the villager) Horse: ‘Yep’. Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.’ Taff: (total look of amazement).

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’ Taff: (in a panic) ‘The sheep’s a bloody liar…

3

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant!

My wife bought a new table lamp home, after messing with it for ten minutes she said, “Huh, the damn thing is like you, it won’t work. ”
So I had a look at it for a while, “More like you, ” I said, ” it’s not wired up right and can’t be turned on”.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

6

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, “Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ‘ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ‘ouse, we could ‘ave a lorra fun.” So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand.” Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay.”
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, ‘Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to…….” “I know Sean. Yer want me to ‘old onto yer bat ‘n balls again. No problem hun.” Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. “Sean, tell me, dis ‘oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other – does it really stimulate yer that much?” Sean replies, “No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!!

‘Til next time.

Roy.

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