Saturday Fun

1

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy’s, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him back into the boat and safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like me farder, his farder, and his farder before him?” Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because ye farder, ye grandfarder and ye great-grandfarder were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”

2

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class: “Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend? ” Young Paddy raises his hand and says “Trudy Glenn Miss”. “No Paddy ,” says the teacher.  “The answer is Maid Marion “. “But Miss,” replied Paddy, “What about that song we used to sing, ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn’.”

3

In case you haven’t heard, A few months ago three British Muslim girls left their home and travelled to Syria to join Islamic State. This last week it was reported that they escaped and want to come home. This message from their mother was the reason they changed their minds: “Girls, my darlings, please come home immediately. We’re losing £250.00 a week in Child Benefit and Uncle Aziz hasn’t had a shag for a fortnight.”

scale

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1.    If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

4

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. “Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked. “Actually, yes, I do.” ”Does it hurt you?” he asked. “No.. I rather like it. ”Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t? practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?” “Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from??!!!”

6

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said, “My mom’s a whore.” Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Fifteen minutes later, he returned. The teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?” Johnny replied, “Yes, ma’am.” “Well, what did the principal say?” “He said that ‘Every job is important in our economy,’ gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”

7

A Cape Breton woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on an American game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband an army vet sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife, “ Mary Your question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy’, and the answer is ‘The head, heart and penis.’ The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, “The head, heart and penis.”Mary don’t forget it. Come the game show and she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, “For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.” “Um… the head.” “Good. Eight seconds.” “Um… the heart.” “That’s right, five seconds.” “Oh… um… damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning.” “That’s close enough! You’ve won $100,000!

I hope you enjoy your weekend. ‘Til next time.

Roy

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