Joke Time!

Stray Bar

 

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

 Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

cartoon

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

funny quote

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

jokes

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

hilarious

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.

‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’

text

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

 Mum: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

 Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

best cartoon

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

 ‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

 The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

 The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

 Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

fuuny

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’

Husband: Nothing.

 Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

 Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

 Dog


Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’

 Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

 Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

‘Til next time.

Roy.

2 Responses to “Joke Time!”

  1. John Says:

    Thanks for the laughs. Lol!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: