Something to Brighten Your Day

adult diapers

During a lady’s medical examination, the British doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! ………………. Just stick out your tongue!”

images

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble….
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’
The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’
The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big.
She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’

cartoons

Woman goes to the dentist to have a tooth out and says. “I would rather have a baby than have my tooth out.” The dentist replies, “Make your mind up before I adjust the chair.”

fcartoons

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class looked puzzled. After a little thought she put her hand up and asks the teacher:
“Are you sure about the stork, miss?
“I think you are getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough……..”

Funny cartoon

What is the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? – there’s one less drunk.

images

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!” Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me…” God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t You the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some design flaws in your invention:

  1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

    5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!”

“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than your’s.

23

Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, Mormons, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, Red-Necks etc, but it’s insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness…..

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

  1. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,

    You may be a Muslim.

  2. If you have more wives than teeth,

    You may be a Muslim.

  3. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,

    You may be a Muslim.

  4. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.

    You may be a Muslim

  5. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,

    You may be a Muslim.

  6. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,

    You may be a Muslim.

  7. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,

    You may be a Muslim.

  8. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,

    You may be a Muslim.

  9. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it,

    You may be a Muslim.

too_much_internet

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.
First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.
Then Bill said matter of factly “mine’s about four inches.”
There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, “Bill, you’re kidding right?”
“Not at all, four inches.” He said, with perfect sincerity. “You know, some women like it.”
We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, “Of course, others complain it’s just too wide.”

‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: