Fun On The Run

Funny-Cartoons-3

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs  (or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting afterlife benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.

download

Two men were talking one day. “My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.” said the first man. “So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.
“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” “The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.'”

Funny-adult-credit-crunch-cartoon

My boss screamed at me this morning. “It’s the 5th time you’re late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday.”

f39782b7be80d795b55766d96b052192

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.” The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

4d6e4b04a17cd5129eaeb6ce3fd88b1c

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!” Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.” So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!” Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me… he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!” Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.” “Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

673c88131705f189a6c24879b643c62e

News flash .A Muslim male has been shot tonight in Paris by someone using a starting pistol. A police spokesperson said this could well be race related.

bilde

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

prod_939_29597

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except… The Magic Penis!’
The husband said, ‘The what’?
The man repeated, ‘The Magic Penis,’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’
The man then pointed to the door and said, ‘Magic Penis, door!’
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, ‘Magic Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Magic Penis, my vagina.’
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, ‘I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah right… Magic Penis, my ass!
The rest, as they say, is history…

a3o8vp

A guy is on a business trip and he’s staying in this fancy hotel. He goes up to his room, and there’s a sign near the bed that says, “Try our Oriental Massage”.
So he rings down to the reception desk and tells the clerk that he’d like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.
He’s lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She tells him to turn over and he does, revealing a huge boner.
“Ahh, you want wanky!” she giggles.
“Oooh, yes!” he leers.
She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, “You finish yet?”

 Funny-adult-cartoon

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Enjoy – ‘Til Next Time.

Roy.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: