Sunday Nonsense

Anniversary

Worth A Thought!

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they’ll have disappeared…

Shells

My girlfriend has just had a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. It’s that realistic. If you place your ear right up to it, you can smell the ocean.

My Girlfriend

My girlfriend is having a baby. Everyone is predicting what it is going to be.
My Nan says, “She is carrying it high so it is going to be a girl.”
My other Nan says, “It is going to be a boy.”
My Mum says, “It is going to be about eight pounds.”
My mate Leroy says, “It is going to be black.”

Kids

Never Assume

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years…I thought he meant his money!!”

 

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You Are Never Too Old

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!” The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. “Sure, why?” “Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to cum!”

Wish

Pope Joke

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Mohammad

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. “What’s your name?”, asked the teacher. “Mohammad,” he replied. “You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike. Mohammad returned home after school. “How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked. “My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. His mother replied, “Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” And she beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. “What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked. “Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two bloody Arabs.”

Ouch

 

A Fireman’s Tale

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes’ search, the chief looks down an alley, and there’s Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says, “What the hell is going on?” Olson says, “Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation.” The chief says, “Smoke inhalation? You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! ” Olson says, “I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another…”

‘Til next time.

Roy

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