Here’s Wishing You A Happy Day!

I hope you are having a good day. If not, then hopefully this will cheer you up:

Face book

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some school-work.”
The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?”  At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

zoom-function

 There Were These Three Girls ………

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. That will work, said the counsellor, but only if you keep a good record.
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
“I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”
After a short delay, he told her that would probably work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
The counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going
to have a baby.
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I didn‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on an upturned bucket.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers . . . .
I kick the bucket out from under him.

flow-chart-funny-cartoon

 

A Quiz

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, Would you recommend that she undergoes an abortion?

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He’s had two mistresses, he also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

 Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero, he’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Remember: Amateurs … Built the ark. – Professionals … Built the Titanic.

Stupid Dog

The Key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The KEY,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.” Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.” She said, “No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

For The Ladies!

Men

For The Boys!

One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she were to die. The husband replied, “I’ll also die.” The wife asked him, “Why?” Husband replied, “Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness.”

Laugh

Have You Ever

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?” “Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?” “No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal. She replied “Then go check the garage!”

‘Til next time!

Roy

3 Responses to “Here’s Wishing You A Happy Day!”

  1. walangiba Says:

    Reblogged this on Walang Iba and commented:
    very funny i think!

    Like

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