Archive for February, 2015

An Open Letter To David Cameron and Ed Milliband

Posted in America, Britain, Conservative Party, David Cameron, Equality, European Union, Immigration, News, Politics, Religion with tags , , , , on 28/02/2015 by floroy1942

This letter came my way through the e-mail and it expresses just about every sentiment of the unrest that is gripping the British people. There is a huge amount of resentment in Britain concerning these issues, but sadly, Tony Blair’s Anti-Racist Laws effectively silenced any possibility the people have of voicing their opinions.  In my view, this piece describes perfectly what is wrong with Britain today and should be spread far and wide.

You BOTH worry me, in fact, both of your political parties worry me.

Over the last three years, you both have been turning this country into a place that I no longer feel at home in, or feel part of. I watch you in Parliament, sneering at each other, and acting like children!!! (and if you were my children, I would be ashamed of you).

Years ago, aged 15 at grammar school, we had similar “Yah-Boo” debates in the Fourth Form. We quickly grew out of it when we realised that the real world was different. When will you two do the same? What an example you set the viewing millions.

Although you would like us all to believe that you are putting the needs of this country first, everyone knows that NEITHER of you are doing that. You are more interested in scoring points off each other. Do you somehow think that will impress people and get you votes next year? WRONG.

What is achieved by all those shenanigans in Parliament, is denigrating our once-great nation in the eyes of the world. You would NEVER see the German politicians doing that. They have recovered so wonderfully from WW2 by hard work and IMAGE – being careful never to run down their own country in public.

Your Parliamentary debates seem to be all about YOU as individuals, and not about what you are doing for this country. You are not listening to the people you are paid to govern. I am seeing the deterioration of living standards, but according to you, playing with statistics, we are doing better than most countries, yet the gap is widening between the “haves” and the “have-nots”.

I see our hospitals under-staffed, yet I see multi-millions of pounds being sent in aid to other countries, before attending to this country’s needs! Are you quite sure that our precious aid-money is applied to where it is needed, and not funnelled off to ‘despots’ bank accounts in New York and Zürich? 

I see the selling off of water rights to foreign interests. WHY…? You go to great lengths to tell us that water is a finite resource & supposedly, we must ALL be careful with how we use it.

The Carbon Tax, (which we all KNOW is just another tax) will make NO difference, to carbon emissions at all. It is a tax, which in spite of all your arguments FOR it, you are doing alone, because other major countries DO NOT BELIEVE in it.

Let’s talk about Multiculturalism. People have come here from other countries for a better life for more years than I have been alive. Pre & post-war immigrants came for a better life, settled in and became wonderful contributors to this country. They have contributed to the rich diversity of Britain and many have fought FOR this country. They were glad to become U.K.Citizens and they had NO hand-outs ….they worked hard for everything.

I have never before had a problem with immigrants coming here. However, I DO NOW.

Please tell me why we have areas in towns all over the country, where police WILL NOT GO for fear of their life? Please tell me why we can no longer have religion in schools for fear of “OFFENDING” someone? Please tell me why Christmas celebration is no longer allowed in some schools for fear of OFFENDING someone? Please tell me HOW Christmas decorations in stores might OFFEND someone? Please tell me why we MUST have segregated days in public swimming pools for fear of “OFFENDING” someone? Please tell me why we allow RADICAL Muslim clerics to demand Sharia Law when our religions would never be allowed in THEIR country? 
Please tell me why our laws need to be changed, so as not to OFFEND someone?

Please tell me why we true-Brits are fast becoming a MINORITY voice, in our own country, because of POLITICAL CORRECTNESS? Please tell me WHY Brits must not wear a bike helmet going into a bank and yet it is OK to wear a Burka, covering the whole of the face?

And please tell me WHY, when those people who want asylum here, they can wreck our detention centres and STILL be allowed to stay?

What does that say about just who and what are this government’s priorities? Every British person that I speak to has genuine concerns about becoming a second-class minority in our own country, for the above reasons. Are you so blind that you cannot see this?

And no, I am NOT racist. If I did not like Catholics or Protestants, would I be considered racist? Of course not. We are fighting extremist Muslims in Afghanistan and elsewhere, are we not? I hear you say, “yes but the Muslims we have here are not like that.” Well how do you know? Do we see or hear ANY of them speaking AGAINST extremists on TV or radio? I haven’t. Islam is not compatible with ANY of the values that we hold here in Britain. Are not the experiences of France and the Netherlands examples of that? Why do you think it would be any different here?

We even have a British born “radical,” who states that Britain WILL become a Muslim country, under Sharia Law, & that we had “better get used to it “. Will both of you grow up and start sticking up for this country and its people? We are the people who put you where you are and PAY you to look after our interests. You are NOT doing that, by any stretch of the imagination. I would appreciate an answer, if only to convince me that once again I am not talking to a brick wall.

Many European countries are suffering under the strain of too many immigrants and it is clear that before long the problem will explode onto the streets. I am not advocating open rebellion or attacks on immigrants in any way with this post, that has never be my intention, but as Europeans we have to make our politicians aware of what they are doing to the livelihood of  the citizens in their care.

It is time they started paying more attention to the welfare of their own people instead of bending over backwards to cater for people who’s one aim is to turn Europe into a Muslim State. I believe the more people who read this message, the more chance there is that our politicians will take notice. For this reason it would be in everyone’s interest if people re-blogged this post on their own site. Thank You.

Finally, my heartfelt thanks to the anonymous writer of this letter to our politicians.

Roy.

Here’s Wishing You A Happy Day!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Insanity, News, UK, USA with tags , , , on 27/02/2015 by floroy1942

I hope you are having a good day. If not, then hopefully this will cheer you up:

Face book

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some school-work.”
The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?”  At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

zoom-function

 There Were These Three Girls ………

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. That will work, said the counsellor, but only if you keep a good record.
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
“I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”
After a short delay, he told her that would probably work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
The counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going
to have a baby.
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I didn‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on an upturned bucket.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers . . . .
I kick the bucket out from under him.

flow-chart-funny-cartoon

 

A Quiz

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, Would you recommend that she undergoes an abortion?

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He’s had two mistresses, he also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

 Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero, he’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Remember: Amateurs … Built the ark. – Professionals … Built the Titanic.

Stupid Dog

The Key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The KEY,” where a small key is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.” Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful — the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the key and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your tits.” She said, “No point asking about the beard then, eh?”

For The Ladies!

Men

For The Boys!

One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she were to die. The husband replied, “I’ll also die.” The wife asked him, “Why?” Husband replied, “Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness.”

Laugh

Have You Ever

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?” “Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?” “No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal. She replied “Then go check the garage!”

‘Til next time!

Roy

Gaza Preparing For The Next Onslaught

Posted in America, Britain, European Union, Gaza and Hamas, Insurgents, Justice, News, Palestine, Terrorism, United Nations with tags , , , , on 26/02/2015 by floroy1942

Although it is only nine months since the last war in Gaza, it seems that Hamas is yet again preparing for an attack on Israel. A news reporter has visited the vast tunnel complex that sits under the Gaza Strip and all the signs are clearly there.

Gaza City In Ruins

Gaza City In Ruins

He reports that despite all the millions of dollars donated by various countries for the rebuilding of Gaza City from the last spat, little or nothing has been done to rebuild the houses of the 50,000 families made homeless. Makes you wonder what happened to all the money! It is clear that as usual, Hamas have not spent it on helping the people, but to buy more weapons.

During the last battle Israeli forces found and destroyed 32 tunnels, but it seems that number is but a drop in the ocean as they say. It seems the tunnel network, used by the Hamas fighters to such good effect, is in good condition and still in use.

Hamas Tunnels

Hamas Tunnels

The tunnels all have concrete reinforced walls with lighting, and are high enough for anyone to walk upright through them. Many go right up to the border with Israel and some even beyond.

Hamas fighters have declared that their intention next time is to attack and kidnap both civilian and military hostages from inside Israel.

Naturally enough the Israeli Military are worried about the number of tunnels that have penetrated the border into Israel, and are rumoured to be using ground scanning equipment to find them so they can be destroyed.

Shaar Hanegev With Gaza In The Background

Shaar Hanegev With Gaza In The Background

It is clear that if the trouble starts again and Hamas fighters have the ability to penetrate the border, many civilians in the area will be in danger, not only from attack but also from becoming hostages.

From the report it is evident that Hamas have placed many mortars at the exit to these tunnels and are quite prepared to attack Israeli villages along the border.

During the last confrontation, 2,200 Gaza civilians lost their lives and 145 Hamas fighters, while Israel had 70 deaths. As I have stated in previous posts, which has been backed up by later official reports, the high Gazan civilian deaths can be directly attributed to the Hamas fighters firing their rockets from deep inside heavily populated areas of Gaza. Civilian deaths have consistently been Hamas’s best propaganda weapon to date.

Ready To Attack

Ready To Attack

It has become clear from the preparations Hamas are making, that when the next confrontation begins they wish to ensure that the death toll on the Israeli side will be much higher. They will not be relying on rockets this time, but it will be direct attacks on Israeli villages and townships close to the border.

It has become abundantly clear that Hamas are never going to give up the struggle against Israel until the country is wiped from the map. As I see it, the only solution to stopping this constant threat may be an international UN occupying force who will disarm Hamas and oversee the rebuilding of Gaza. Not much chance of that I’m sure!

Roy.

Back Off Australia!

Posted in America, Australia, Brazil, Britain, Europe, European Union, Justice, News, Prison, Teen Violence with tags , , , , on 25/02/2015 by floroy1942
Australian Prime Minister

Australian Prime Minister

I find it amazing that Australia is going to great lengths to try and save the lives of two criminals who have been convicted and sentenced to death for drug trafficking in Bali, Indonesia.

This all came about when 11 people were arrested for smuggling heroin, among whom were citizens of Australia, Brazil and France. Upon them receiving the death sentence the governments of these three countries began lobbying Bali, where the offences took place, to suspend the death sentence for these criminals.

Myuran Sukumaran (L) and Andrew Chan

Myuran Sukumaran (L) and Andrew Chan

The death sentence was stopped in Indonesia in 2009 but was reintroduced in 2013, for the country takes a hard stance on drug trafficking. In January this year six traffickers were executed by firing squad, five of which were foreigners.

The governments of both Brazil and France are now protesting the forthcoming execution of their citizens but these have been rejected by the country’s President, Joko Widodo, who insists that foreign countries have no say in Indonesian justice. And he is right too!

While France has not made any threats to Indonesia, the Brazilian President, Dilma Rousseff,  refused to accept the credentials of a new Indonesian Ambassador to Brazil in an effort to exert pressure on the Indonesian government. The general consensus of opinion seems to be that both Australia and Brazil believe that the Indonesian government will cave in to pressure. I hope they don’t.

Indonesian President Joko Widodo

Indonesian President Joko Widodo

What I found disgraceful was the Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbot, who reminded President Widodo publicly that Australia had donated $0.78 billion to Indonesia following the fateful Tsunami in 2004, and the Australian citizens should therefore not be executed. Abbot has been severely criticized in Australia and world-wide for the comment because it sounds like blackmail.

In my view, no foreign country has the right to interfere in the judicial system of another country, provided it is just and humane, no matter what the charge or sentence. These people knew that the death sentence was an option in Indonesia but went ahead anyway. The fact that they were caught in 2005, ironically enough on a tip from the Australian police, had a fair trial and were sentenced to death has nothing whatsoever to do with the Australian government or its people. The crime was committed in Indonesia, and therefore the perpetrators were subject to the law of that nation.

Drug Overdose Death

Drug Overdose Death

I would like to know what Abbot’s reaction would have been if the drugs were successfully smuggled into Australia, and as a result, say, ten people had died of a drug overdose? I’ll bet he would not have even blinked an eye, or rather he may well have criticised Indonesia for not stopping it! Would he, and Roussef have made such a fuss if these criminals had been convicted of genocide, rape or murder? I doubt it.

The fact that they are ‘only’ drug smugglers seems to make a difference and I fail to see why. Drugs cause no end of deaths, misery and crime across the whole world, but in these people’s eyes that seems forgivable. Rubbish!

I strongly believe that many countries, in particular the western world, have become soft on crime on a massive scale. In most countries the death sentence has been outlawed and that is one reason why we have to accept rampant crime as part of our daily lives. Genocidal killers, murderers and serial rapists have nothing to fear any more, because they know they will only get a few years behind bars when caught and this is no deterrent at all.

Firearms Offences In The UK

Firearms Offences In The UK

UK Prisons - An Easy Life

UK Prisons – An Easy Life

Crime rates for murder etc. have climbed steadily across much of Europe since the abolition of the death penalty and governments have no-one to blame but themselves. Fifty or sixty years ago murder for example was very rare, because the culprits knew that when caught they would be hung. But now, teenagers and even children as young as nine are getting away with it and the statistics have gone through the roof. It is a proven fact that when the punishment no longer fits the crime the numbers escalate.

Global Violent Crime

Global Violent Crime

The really ironic thing is that when killers are caught and receive a prison sentence, the government has to house and feed them which costs exorbitant amounts of money every year. To me, this money could far better be spent on educating people not to commit crime, and better their lives so they do not need to enter into a life of crime.

Prison Costs

Prison Costs

 We are constantly told that the prisons are full to capacity, so if the death penalty were reintroduced that would free up many places and it would give criminals something to fear. It is certain that if someone is contemplating committing murder they will think twice if they know that the hangman’s rope is waiting for them when they get caught.

Who knows how this saga will end. It could be a triumph for justice or the Indonesian justice system will cave in to the pressure, but I have a feeling that justice will be served in the end. I hope so.

Roy.

A Senior Moment And Others

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, England, Europe, Insanity, News, Old Age Pensioner, Teens, UK with tags , , , , on 24/02/2015 by floroy1942

Something to brighten your day.

Promises Promises

Promises Promises

A Senior Moment.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable!

Learning

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly,” she said. “Here, use my iPad.”

That damned spider never knew what hit it.

Copper

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”.

 50 Shades

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”
Paddy says “What’s his name?”
Mick replies “Miles, from London !”

 

a_1322_20150214130708

 

A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?”

Granny replies, “Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!”

Men's Entertainment

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my willy tastes funny.”

‘Til next time.

Roy

The Blame Passing Game

Posted in America, Britain, Child Discipline, European Union, Government, Insurgents, Muslim, News, Teens, Terrorism with tags , , , , on 22/02/2015 by floroy1942

It was a surprise to read that the parents of a girl who went to join ISIS a year ago are blaming the government for their daughter enticing three teenagers who have been missing for a week to join her.

The three girls, Kadiza Sultana, 16, Shamima Begum and Amira Abase, 15 were last seen on CCTV at Gatwick Airport and are thought to be on their way to join ISIS. They  told their parents they were going out for the day and disappeared, but it is now known they took a flight to Turkey, a staging post for those heading to Syria, and ISIS.

Aqsa Mahmood

Aqsa Mahmood

The daughter of the parents making the complaint, Aqsa Mahmood aged 20, left her family home to become a ‘Jihadi Bride’, and has been in Syria for about a year. It is thought she was in contact with the three missing girls via the internet and persuaded them to join her.

In a statement the family said, “The UK’s security services have serious questions to answer. Aqsa’s social media has been monitored since she disappeared over a year ago, yet despite alleged contact between the girls and Aqsa, they failed to stop them from leaving the UK to Turkey, a staging post for Syria. Sadly, despite all the government’s rhetoric on Isis, if they can’t even take basic steps to stop children leaving to join ISIS, what is the point of any new laws?” My reply to that is, what did they do to prevent their daughter going to Syria?

Misguided Youth

Misguided Youth

Currently it is estimated that some 50-60 women/teenagers have travelled from the UK to join the jihadists and that number is expected to grow. On arrival they join others from a range of countries, including the US, Austria, France, the Netherlands, Canada, Norway and Sweden.

Most of the contact is via social media websites such as Facebook, Twitter etc, where they are offered advice, support, and help with travel. These websites are a source of propaganda for ISIS that presents idealised notions of an Islamic life and jihad. Once there they are quickly married off to jihadist fighters and some have even taken up arms and become fighters themselves.

But to get back to my opening statement, I do find it extremely presumptuous of the parents of Aqsa Mahmood to blame the government for these defections to ISIS. It gives the impression that they themselves bear no responsibility whatsoever for their daughters actions. I disagree with that most strongly, for in my opinion they have no-one to blame but themselves and should accept full responsibility.

Take A Lesson From This If You Are A Parent

Take A Lesson From This If You Are A Parent

The government does not bring up children, does not teach them right from wrong. That is all down to the parents and them alone. It is they who are solely responsible for raising their child in the right way, and had they done that she would not now be with ISIS. Insofar as the religion is concerned, it is also the duty of the Imams in the mosques to do their part in teaching these young people that Jihad is not the correct path.

The parents contend that the government should have stopped her from travelling to Syria, but what they forget is, the government does not have the legal right to prevent someone getting on a plane if they are over eighteen and have committed no crime. Plus the fact, why should the government be watching what every Muslim teenager does just in case they are going to join ISIS?

William Hague

William Hague

Leader of the House of Commons and ex-Foreign Secretary William Hague said during an interview, “More has to be done by all of us to stop vulnerable youngsters from being radicalized. From families, from mosques, religious leaders and of course the government we have all been very busy in communicating the dangers of travelling to Syria.” He went on to say, “There’s been a lot of criticism over the last year of the government doing too much surveillance and it’s been difficult to get agreement on powers to update the government’s powers to intercept communications. This can be an example of why it is necessary to be able to do that in some cases.”

It just goes to show you can’t have it both ways. You cannot blame to government for these people travelling to Syria on the one hand, and then blame it for being too intrusive when it monitors communications to find them before they leave!

Naughty Child

Naughty Child

It is all too common these days where children in general seldom get taught right from wrong. All too often the kids are left to their own devices just so long as they are quiet and out from under their parents feet. In very many cases today the idea of teaching them respect, morality and honesty from an early age is as foreign as a Muslim taking Holy Communion.

But such is the state of parenting today, that children get led onto the wrong path in life and their parents know nothing about it until the crap hits the fan. Then they are all too ready to blame someone else for their own failings.

In my view, if all these teenagers had been brought up properly this would not have happened, and they would still be at home looking forward to a fruitful and productive life.

Roy.

Enjoy Your Weekend With A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, England, Europe, News, Police, Teens, UK with tags , , , , on 21/02/2015 by floroy1942

Weekends are always fun, but if yours isn’t then hopefully the following with help cheer you up.

Thoughtful Husband

The Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great…………..some arsehole’s got my pen!’

Moose

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots……  Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says “Do you know the limit is 70?”
The driver leans into the back and says: “Hear that……..3 of you have got to get out!”

al Quada Model

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. “Bollocks to that” said Paddy “That’s the last time I go lion dancing”

 Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too?”

“No,” he stammers, “But it’s quivering’ a little.”

 Taser

Try This For Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, Don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’ It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management? It really does work.

 

Veggy

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”
Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Hope you enjoyed the offering. ‘Til next time.

Roy.

 

 

%d bloggers like this: