Weekend Nonsense

The internet is a great place for spreading  humour so I hope you will enjoy the following:

TimWhyat

The Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire. “Monday’s the best night because my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn’t believe her, so she said: “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: “Do you shave?” “No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any pubic hair. I take it you have?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she possessed a generously endowed pelt . . . very generous indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?” “Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the dart team hadn’t.”

Facebook

 The Jewish Taxi Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

 The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady  I vasn’t staring at you like vat you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,  ‘Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?

Anger Management

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.

Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’

 Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’

 Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .’

 Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’

 Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute.

 Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’

 More heavy breathing and another minute later.

 Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’

 This goes on for another few minutes until….

 Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’

 Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ‘

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. …”Look,” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 or a 330 [large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said “350”. The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs” her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. “Yes!” she said ” He’s got one hanging there!”

The boss said “Go back in and give him $3.50, he’s the window cleaner!”

Toilet Brush

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

I hope this helped to you cheer you if you’re having a bad day, and even if you are not.

Roy.

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