Something To Cheer You Up

Time for a little nonsense once again. I hope this brightens your weekend.

Lost Wife

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

 Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant :  Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was  it?

Husband :  2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP.  8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying…

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir…….We’ll find your car.

Darwin Awards 2014

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”

 Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

 Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina ‘s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A Dunkirk , IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle-loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. “Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred,” said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,” Honer said.

 Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole ‘s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the ..22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. “Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead,” stated Wallis

“I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,” said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole ( Poole ‘s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

 Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

This is exactly the same look I get from my friends, when I tell them I have given up beer.

First Jump

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers – his father had been airborne. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. 

“So, how was your 1st jump?” the father asked. 

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!” 

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father. 

“No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door.”

”Did you jump then?” asked the father. 

“m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane.” 

I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.” 

“So, so then you jumped?” 

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. 

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you going to jump or not?’ 

I said, ‘No, Sir. I’m too scared.’ 

So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willie out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I’m sticking this up your ass.’ ” 

“So, did you jump?” asked the father. 

“A little, at first ” 

Proof that women can parallel park!

Harrod’s

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little incident, she asks, “What is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you are going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

Have a fun day. Until next time.

Roy.