Weekend Fun – Again!

Time for a little more nonsense which I hope will cheer you up and make you smile:

The Time Machine:

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?” The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a  printout, he reads it out “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It’s not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?”   The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.   But he just stares at it. “Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say” David replies, “Buggered if I know! It’s not in English!”

Never Lose Your Grandson! A heart-warming story:

My small grandson got lost in the supermarket so he approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s he like?” The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Gordon’s Gin and women with big tits.”

Man’s Eternal Weakness:

I hate all  this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an  unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take  that.’

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

The Gunfighter:

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot. ‘Can you give me some tips?’ he asked.

The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’ ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ ‘Sure will’

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw.’ ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. ‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

The ‘Silver’ Surfers: 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Georgie grinned…‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: ID10T. I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.

Who Needs a Dictionary When You Have Dads:

A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ and  ‘realistically’?”
His dad thinks and then says “Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million quid.” …
The boy runs off and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.” The boy runs off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad”, she said “she would too!”
So then his dad says “Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he’d sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”
Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. “Theoretically the family could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a poof.”

Mr & Mr Elton John

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated. When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton asked David. “All these crying babies…and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
“The nurse said, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse….”

That’s it for this time. I hope it makes your day go with a smile.

Roy.