Start Your Week With A Laugh

A Man In A Bar:

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Sounds Right!
Sounds Right!

You don’t have to be a ‘doggy’ person to appreciate this:

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
“Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

A Very Old Advert For WD40 - They Wouldn't Dare Today!
A Very Old Advert For WD40 – They Wouldn’t Dare Today!

Summary of Life

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the       second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap..

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages Of Life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Success:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . Having money.
At age 70 success is . …….. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Wrong shoes

This is the Italian Minister Maria Elena Boschi, signing up to her new government job. Quite the wrong choice of shoe colour to wear with that suit, for such an important occasion ……. in my opinion !

Yes! Definitely The Wrong Shoes!

Yes! Definitely The Wrong Shoes!

Ya’ll have a good week!

Roy.

2 Responses to “Start Your Week With A Laugh”

  1. That tweety bird quote is too funny!!

    http://www.danikamaia.com

    Like

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