Monday Is Coming – Again!

Well, it’s Monday again tomorrow so here is your Monday morning blues cure. I hope you like it.

Tax Return 

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax return. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work… Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do with your unique business?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

The accountant says “Poultry Farmer it is then.”

Confession 

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side. “

 Mad Cow Interview

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”  

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer:  “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day … and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ….

Teresa May Accident

Theresa May ( British Home Secretary) is touring the countryside in a chauffeur driven car. 

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: “You get out and check – you were driving.”

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

“You were driving;  go and tell the farmer ,” says Theresa.

Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

“My God, what happened to you?” asks Theresa.

The chauffeur replies: “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say?” asks Theresa.

“I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: “I’m Theresa May’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.”

The Difference Between Then And Now: 1945 vs 2014

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1945 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2014 – Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario: Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1945 – Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2014 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s house and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1945 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2014 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1945 – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2014 – Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Cracker night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.

1945 – Wasps die.

2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.

Scenario: Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1945 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.

2014 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

Life is never as bad as it seems so keep smiling push on. Happy Monday!

Roy.

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