Relax, Take A Breath, And Have A Laugh!

Thank goodness the weekend is not too far away, and if you have survived the week until now then this will lift your spirits until it gets here.

Kids And Their Questions

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 50, they are like onions.”

“ONIONS”?

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

Yes.   The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Married life

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

Paradise

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!” The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?” And Allah replied, “Who said anything about women?”

If You Have An Itch

They Say If your Palm Is Itching you’ll Get Money, If Your Toes Are Itching you’ll Get New Shoes and also Travel,
If your penis is Itching…? Don’t Fool Yourself … Go To The Doc

Getting Married

I made my girlfriends’ wishes come true by getting married in a castle. Although you wouldn’t have thought it from her face as we were bouncing around.

Good Excuse

Good Excuse

Modern Life

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn’t start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world shit hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun dress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

Keep Smiling.

Roy.

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