Archive for November, 2014

Weekend Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, European Union, Modern World, News, Obama with tags , , , on 29/11/2014 by floroy1942

It’s weekend and time to enjoy everything that makes you happy. Read on and put yourself in the mood.

The Doctor’s Visit

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in, so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?

“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money.” The cab driver asks me, “Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’

“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’

“I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”

“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”



Someone Doesn’t like Fosters?

This lass says to me, “I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I gave him another blow job”.



Three Women And A Poor Man

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, “‘ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?” The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”

She said, “Well ya will be when the tide comes in.”


The Travelling Salesman

A travelling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did.

Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen. “Hi, I’m Vanessa, and I’m $20,” she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. “Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone,” she said. “I’ll send up Angela.”

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar talking to the same bartender.

“Bet you don’t remember me,” he said. “Sure I do,” replied the bartender. “You’re the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That’s your son at the end of the bar. He’s been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, “Son, I think I may be your daddy.”

The boy said, “Great! What is my last name?” “Bardowski,” the salesman said.

“Oh, no,” said the boy, “you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I’m Polish?”

“Hey, kid,” the salesman said, “two dollars more and you’da been black too!”


Old Golfers

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

“Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a good job? “The second oldster replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts.”

The first old guy was confused and asked, “What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?”

His partner replied, “It was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”


Band Aid

I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software wouldn’t let me.


When I was a kid… I thought earwigs were nasty bugs that crawled out of your ear, and then I was scared stiff when I heard about… cockroaches.

I hope you feel good right now. Have a good weekend.






Weekend Fun

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Modern World, Nick Clegg, Relationships, UK, USA on 28/11/2014 by floroy1942

I hope this will cheer you up for the weekend.


Need I say More?
Need I say More?

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my arse………It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”


My wife said I’m an idiot who can’t do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.


I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Portable African Style.
Portable – African Style.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘HANDSOME’, don’t take it as a compliment!

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you’re screwed.

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congrats!”. But none of them come and touch the man’s Penis and say “Well done!”. Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters

Potholes Next 9600Kms?


Three Irish guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, “What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!” “No,” the driver says, “Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.” So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving all over the road. Have you been drinking”? The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “We’re on the patch, trying to quit.”

Keep smiling. Good luck might be just around the corner!


Weird Science – And Scientists!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Modern World, News, Nuclear Proliferation, Nuclear Weapons, Politics, Religion, Space, United Nations with tags , , , , on 28/11/2014 by floroy1942
The Red Planet

The Red Planet

I have always considered scientists to be very smart and a notch above the rest of us, but occasionally something pops up to make me wonder if I should. That happened a few days ago when a respected physicist and author named John Brandenberg came out with something that defies the imagination.

John Brandenberg

John Brandenberg

He is of the opinion that there was once intelligent life on Mars that was annihilated by a nuclear war that left the planet “cold and lifeless.” In his opinion, a mission to Mars should be undertaken at the earliest possibility to investigate “if we are in danger from the attackers who ‘killed’ Mars.” According to him many of the nuclear isotopes found on the planet are similar to those from hydrogen bombs here on Earth.

Mars Crater - Bomb Or Asteroid?

Mars Crater – Bomb Or Asteroid?

This all comes from his new book in which he says, “This Martian civilization apparently perished due to a planet-wide catastrophe of unknown origin,” and poses the question “Was it a massive nuclear attack?” He points to the many craters on Mars and suggests they could be the result of nuclear bombs. The more usual theory by other physicists is that Mars was struck by asteroids the eventually robbed it of its magnetic field, and thereby its atmosphere.

Brandenberg however is of the opinion that the Mars people were annihilated by “another civilization or a rogue artificial intelligence.” In his opinion we could be next! Food for thought!

Sci-Fi Version Of Artificial Intelligence

Sci-Fi Version Of Artificial Intelligence

According to him, the reason we have not had replies to the signals we beam into space in our search for intelligent life, is because these life-forms are being destroyed by whatever force destroyed the Martians. In his view, we are close to being noticed and following the same fate. In his book he says, “The Astronomer Edward Harrison suggested, one major factor cutting short the lifetime of civilizations was older predatory civilizations who would wipe out young civilizations once they became detectable through radio broadcasts. The motivation for such genocidal actions would be to avoid later competition. It is possible that our interstellar neighbourhood contains forces hostile to young, noisy, civilizations such as ourselves. Such hostile forces could range from things as alien as AI (Artificial Intelligence) ‘with a grudge’ against flesh and blood.”

Oh no! We’re all going to die!!!!!

Structures? I doubt it!

Structures? I doubt it!

Brandenberg thinks that the appearance of ‘structures’ on the surface of Mars seen by satellites and the Mars Rover enforce his theory of an ancient civilization on the Red Planet. Well, looking at the photo I would be hesitant in calling those structures, but its a free world and each can think what they will.

Is This What Awaits Us?

Is This What Awaits Us?

It is an undeniable fact that human life will not exist on Earth forever, for being the way we are, we could end up destroying ourselves in a catastrophic war. On the other hand we could well be discovered by some alien race that takes a fancy to Earth but not its occupants, and therefore wipes us all out.

Asteroid Belt Or The Remains Of Maldek?

Asteroid Belt Or The Remains Of Maldek?

When it comes to space and the universe there are indeed some strange ideas out there. Some people actually believe there was a planet called Maldek orbiting between Mars and Jupiter that was totally destroyed by a hydrogen bomb. Supposedly, all that remains of this planet is the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars.

According to the Aetherius Society: “They exploded a hydrogen bomb and completely destroyed the planet Maldek and murdered the whole populace in one blinding flash of searing flame. All that is now left of that beautiful planet is the asteroid belt.”

The Aetherius Society

The Aetherius Society

On Brandenberg’s theory they said, “Although Brandenburg’s theory is on more solid ground, it still amounts to speculation based on our present day awareness of the power of nuclear weapons and our fear of its misuse. It is a warning that we could do the same to our own planet, and underlines the belief of many scientists that we have not detected intelligent life elsewhere in the universe because at some point civilisations will become extinct either through catastrophe or self-destruction.”  Well, I have to say I do agree with the closing statement.

Dr. George KingOf course you may wonder who these crackpots are, well I’ll tell you. The Aetherius Society is a UFO based religion that was founded in 1955 by the late George King and operates in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand and three African nations.

The Earth's Future Is For A Great Part In Our Hands

The Earth’s Future Is For A Great Part In Our Hands

If you take a look at our world today with its political tensions, over-population, terrorism and economic problems there can be no doubt that pretty soon something has to go bang. What with national pride, greed, corruption and fanaticism there seems little likelihood of everyone sitting around the table and solving these issues to everyone’s satisfaction in the near future.

So it makes me wonder what an alien species will find here if they eventually pick up the radio messages we beam into space and decide to visit. All I know is, I won’t be around, but good luck to those who will!


Start Your Week With A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Europe, Modern World, News, Relationships, UK with tags , , , on 24/11/2014 by floroy1942

A Man In A Bar:

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?”

Sounds Right!
Sounds Right!

You don’t have to be a ‘doggy’ person to appreciate this:

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
“Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

A Very Old Advert For WD40 - They Wouldn't Dare Today!
A Very Old Advert For WD40 – They Wouldn’t Dare Today!

Summary of Life

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the       second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap..

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages Of Life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . Having money.
At age 70 success is . …….. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Wrong shoes

This is the Italian Minister Maria Elena Boschi, signing up to her new government job. Quite the wrong choice of shoe colour to wear with that suit, for such an important occasion ……. in my opinion !

Yes! Definitely The Wrong Shoes!

Yes! Definitely The Wrong Shoes!

Ya’ll have a good week!


Obesity – The Crime Of Our Time

Posted in America, Britain, Children, Conservation, Diabetes, English Schools, Health, News, Obesity, Parenting with tags , , , , on 23/11/2014 by floroy1942

A new report out yesterday has released some amazing facts about obesity and what it is costing us. You see obese people everywhere on every street these days because we are firmly in the age of fat. Waistlines have expanded at a steady rate for the past forty years and it is tragic, because people just don’t care about looking after their bodies any-more. No-one thinks about the fact that they are shortening their lifespan by a awful lot of years because we ‘Live for Today’!

Just A Quick Snack

Just A Quick Snack

There are so many reasons why people put on huge amounts of fat, the two main ones being their eating habits, and lack of exercise. One of the main causes is constantly eating in fast food places, i.e. hamburgers and french fries etc. instead of a healthy meal with good meat and vegetables. Secondly is the portion size which has been increased over the years by these places in order to get more customers in.

Starting Early

Starting Early

But today, even if you are not a ‘hamburgerholic’ and eat food at home bought solely in a supermarket there is still a problem. The majority of food bought in these places has firstly, little nutritional value, and secondly is full of chemicals used by farmers everywhere. The days of the vegetable being full of goodness and providing our bodies with the nutrition we need are long gone. The same can be said for all meat products where animals are fed chemicals to promote quick growth.

In The Good Old Days A Good Meal

In The Good Old Days A Good Meal

In my youth I can still remember the real taste of chicken, pork and beef etc., but now it is just a hole filler with no taste whatsoever without the added flavouring that comes in a packet or small jar. The old folks will know what I mean. Have you never wondered why when you eat meat it is necessary to use this sauce or that sauce to give it taste? Its a sign of the times. None of this rubbish is doing us any good when it comes to our health, but we have no choice because that is all there is available unless you grow your own.

School P.T. Class Circa 1950

School P.T. Class Circa 1950

Exercise is of course the other problem. When I was at school we had regular P.T. periods where the whole class would spend a lesson in the gym doing all sorts of physical exercise, or out on the sports field playing football or some other such game. There was no such thing as fat kids in my day. On the other side of the coin, during our free time at home we would be out playing, skipping for girls or cowboys and indians for the boys, not sitting for hours on end at a computer or playing X-box or the like. Times were different, for we did not have all the fancy gadgets like computers and game consoles in those days, we had to make our own amusement. Over the intervening years both our eating and leisure habits have changed drastically.


So now we have reached a stage where everywhere you look you will see an obese person waddling along the street. There are now an estimated 2.1 billion people in the world (30%) who can be classed as obese, and the sad thing is that according to scientists, this number will continue to increase until by 2030 half the world population is obese.

Waiting For McDonald's To Open?

Waiting For McDonald’s To Open?

Following the spread of the fast food chains like McDonald’s and Burger King from America in the sixties waistlines have increased in Britain and the rest of Europe. Now, treating obese people in hospital is costing the tax payer, in Britain in particular, £47 billion per year. This figure will continue to rise year on year, and is already putting an enormous strain on the NHS. There can be little doubt that something has to give!

McKinsey Global Institute

McKinsey Global Institute

The study, conducted by the McKinsey Global Institute (MGI), criticised the current half-hearted measures put in place by the government such as taxes on high-fat and high-sugar products or public health campaigns which it said were “too fragmented to be effective”.  The measures they suggest are portion controls on fast food packaged goods, the introduction of healthy meals in schools and workplaces, and more physical education in school curriculum’s. More Phys Ed? Now where have I heard that before, oh yes, I remember, in a blog I posted a long time ago! The MGI insisted an urgent “coordinated response” is needed from the Government, retailers, restaurants and food and drink manufacturers to tackle the issue. Whichever way you look at it, obesity is fast becoming the number one health issue in many countries and needs tackling.

Does Your Little Girl Look Like This?

Does Your Little Girl Look Like This?

The one thing that saddens me the most is the uncaring attitude of many parents who fail to take action when their children start putting on the pounds. It sickens me to see young children, some as young as seven or eight, so fat they cannot walk properly. Nine times out of ten obese parents think nothing of it when their young children follow in their footsteps because they cannot be bothered to feed them properly or see they get sufficient exercise. In extreme cases it makes me so angry that I feel like giving the parents a good whipping and telling them exactly what they are doing.

Time To Get Away From French Fries With Everythig

Time To Get Away From ‘Chips With everything’.

With the situation as it is today, there can be little doubt that we are on the slippery slope to world-wide obesity and we will all suffer greatly in the future. It is clear that it cannot be left up to the people to make the necessary changes themselves and so it must come from the government. To begin with physical exercise must be brought back into all our schools with apart from actual P.T. and games classes, perhaps a fifteen minute P.T. session in the playground at the start of every school day for all the children, and no taking pity on those who are considered too obese to take part.

A Balanced Meal

A Balanced Meal

Government control must be exercised within the food chain also by mandatory cutting down of portion sizes in the numerous fast food outlets with regular checks. We also need to change our agricultural policy to ensure less chemicals get into the food chain and make it illegal to use chemicals on animals to promote fat growth. If you think about it it makes sense but of course it will never happen until the world drowns in fat.


The Curse Of The Drone?

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, England, Environment, Modern World, News, Police, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 21/11/2014 by floroy1942

Like many people I am in favour of new technology, but sometimes it can lead to unforeseen problems that the inventor never thought of. This is particularly true of the new and popular use of drones, i.e. radio controlled mini helicopter-like model aircraft now available to the public, They can be used for a multitude of purposes, like just having a bit of fun, or in some cases by organizations or companies who require a bird’s eye view of the ground.

The Offending Advertisment

The Offending Advertisement

A situation came up in Australia this week where an estate agent used one for aerial  photo’s of a property they were selling and accidentally filmed a woman next door who was sunbathing topless in her garden. The pictures were posted on advertising boards for the property which were seen by the woman. She complained to the estate agent and the offending photo was removed with an apology, so no harm done. But it got me thinking.

Micro-Drone - The Ultimate Spy.

Micro-Drone – The Ultimate Spy.

Of course the military have been using drones for a long time, not only the big offensive ones used to fire rockets and missiles, but also to spy out the enemy at close quarters. It is a fact that they are getting smaller and smaller and are now a copy of insects, with the intention of using them for spying.

Opening up this technology to the public does open up a massive opportunity for abuse when used by the wrong people. Just imagine you are laying in the sun topless, or even naked, and one of these things comes flying over your garden. There’s not much you can do about it unless it comes close enough that you can hit it with a broom, and who knows who is controlling it. You may find the photo’s or film plastered all over Facebook or YouTube. Imagine one of these hovering just outside your bedroom window when you are dressing, or heaven forbid, making love to your wife or girlfriend! Now there’s a thought!

Proposed Amazon Delivery Drone

Proposed Amazon Delivery Drone

The big problem is that in almost all countries there is little or no legislation governing the use of drones. In America they are banned for commercial use, although Amazon is wanting to use them to deliver parcels to clients. In Australia they are legal, although they must be registered with the Australian Civil Aviation Safety Authority and flight plans must be submitted and approved. The one major rule that seems to be used in Britain is that the drone must be within sight of the operator at all times. Not very helpful.

Triathlete Raija Ogdenman Lays Injured As The Pieces Of The Drone That Hit Her Are Recovered.

Triathlete Raija Ogdenman Lays Injured As The Pieces Of The Drone That Hit Her Are Recovered.

Should these things become very popular there is one headache (in more ways than one) that I foresee happening. There have been many instances reported of these things crashing and injuring people on the ground. In Australia a triathlete was hit on the head when a drone crashed to the ground while filming a race, and in Virginia USA, during a copy of the famous Spanish Bull Run, one crashed into the spectators stand injuring several people.

There can be little doubt that without proper control these ‘toys’ could become a problem in society. First police would have to track down the owner, which in many cases may be impossible, and secondly there is the problem with who pays the medical bills of the injured. On top of that, you have to think of the worst situation where someone is killed by one. Looks like a bit of a minefield to me.






Obama Caught Out By Advanced Technology

Posted in America, Demonstration, Modern World, News, Obama, President, Summit, Terrorism, United Nations, USA with tags , , , , on 19/11/2014 by floroy1942

Its true what they say, you cannot stop the advances in technology that hit us from all sides on a daily basis. This time it seems that the President of the USA was caught out.

Air Force One

Air Force One

For decades the safety of the President has been in the hands of the Secret Service who are tasked with protecting him. But it would seem that now a new measure has been introduced thanks to advanced technology.

It concerns the safety surrounding Air Force One, the Boeing VC-25 that currently takes Obama around the world to various meetings, conferences and on diplomatic visits. Normally the aircraft always has a military escort but this is soon to be replaced.

New scientific advances have allowed the aircraft to become totally invisible, which will give the President and his entourage complete protection from terrorist attacks because you cannot shoot down what you cannot see.

The aircraft was ready for its maiden flight and an Air Force General asked Obama if he would like to fly on the test flight. Obama immediately agreed that he would and they proceeded to the airport. The following photo was taken as the President boarded the plane.




President Boards The New Invisible Air Force One

President Boards The New Invisible Air Force One


Monday Is Coming – Again!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, Children, England, Government, Modern World, News with tags , , , , on 16/11/2014 by floroy1942

Well, it’s Monday again tomorrow so here is your Monday morning blues cure. I hope you like it.

Tax Return 

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax return. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work… Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do with your unique business?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

The accountant says “Poultry Farmer it is then.”


I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side. “

 Mad Cow Interview

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”  

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer:  “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day … and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”


Teresa May Accident

Theresa May ( British Home Secretary) is touring the countryside in a chauffeur driven car. 

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: “You get out and check – you were driving.”

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

“You were driving;  go and tell the farmer ,” says Theresa.

Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

“My God, what happened to you?” asks Theresa.

The chauffeur replies: “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say?” asks Theresa.

“I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: “I’m Theresa May’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.”

The Difference Between Then And Now: 1945 vs 2014

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1945 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2014 – Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario: Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1945 – Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2014 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s house and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1945 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2014 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1945 – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2014 – Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Cracker night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp’s nest.

1945 – Wasps die.

2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.

Scenario: Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1945 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.

2014 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

Life is never as bad as it seems so keep smiling push on. Happy Monday!


The Government Finally Catches Up With Public Opinion (Well Sort Of…)

Posted in Al Quada, America, Australia, Britain, David Cameron, Extradition, News, Religion, Terrorism, United Nations with tags , , , , on 15/11/2014 by floroy1942
David Cameron At The G20

David Cameron At The G20

During his trip to the G20 Summit in Australia David Cameron has finally said what he aims to do about young Muslim men who have gone to fight for the Islamic State (IS). To me this is not before time considering how long we have known about the problem. It is well known that some have been radicalized by I.S. and already returned to Britain, so we must hope the Police and Security Forces can keep track of them.

It has been reported in the press that some have regretted their decision and want to come home to mummy and daddy. These people should be investigated on a case by case basis before being allowed to return. I guess torturing and killing people, particularly innocent civilians, was not what they expected.

John Foley

John Foley

Why any normal Muslim youth would wish to join I.S., considering the sheer brutality of the group as witnessed on news channels across the world is beyond me. It must be said that many experts believe the beheading of John Foley and other westerners were staged, but it still does not excuse the hundreds of others who have been beheaded by I.S., for which there is plenty of photographic evidence. However, it indicates the power wielded by the radical Muslim clerics in our midst who daily preach Jihad in the mosques across our country and the rest of Europe which convinces these young men to join.

While Cameron’s new measures may well help to keep those radicalized young men out of the country, it remains to be seen how effective the new measures will be. Many have already landed back in the U.K. and some have been arrested for plotting terrorism, so I am holding my breath hoping the government can prevent a new wave of atrocities on British soil.

Before They Fled: Jihadists Reyaad Khan and Nasser Muthana (circled) Hand Out Food To The Needy In Cardiff Last Year.

Before They Fled: Jihadists Reyaad Khan and Nasser Muthana (circled) Hand Out Food To The Needy In Cardiff Last Year.

It is said the new measures, which include taking away the passport of those wishing to leave or refusing entry to those returning from Syria and Iraq, will be introduced to Parliament next month and could become law by January. Well, lets hope so!

Mr. Cameron also said, “We must confront this extremism in all its forms. We must ban extremist preachers from our countries. We must root out extremism from our schools, universities and prisons.”

Hate preacher Anjem Choudray

Hate preacher Anjem Choudray

In my view however, the main focus of attention should be deportation of the radical clerics that abound in mosques across the country, and refusing entry to those who wish to come here.  After a ten year long battle we finally got rid of Abu Hamsa and Abu Qatada, but there are many more on the streets of the country like Anjem Choudary.

I believe the Police should be infiltrating mosques and recording the hate speeches of those who will radicalize their ‘flock’. With this evidence a Judge can immediately order the offenders deportation and to hell with European Law.

The End Of Anwar al-Awlaki

The End Of Anwar al-Awlaki

International figures like Anwar al-Awlaki among others were actually invited by university officials to speak at seminars in Britain’s universities. He was eventually killed during a drone strike on September 30th 2011. Makes you wonder who’s side they are on. Perhaps if one of them was stabbed to death and almost beheaded by a radical in the street like Lee Rigby, they might discover the harm they are doing.

It is only by taking strong and effective measures that we can stop the spread of radical ideas within Muslim communities who would normally live in peace in our country.

Trojan Horse

Trojan Horse

Cameron was correct when he said that radicalism is even creeping into our schools, hence “The Trojan Horse” scandal, which is I believe only the tip of the spear.  I am afraid he and I do disagree on one point, for when he said “We must continue to celebrate Islam as a great world religion of peace,” I think he was wide of the mark. The religion of Islam is in general one of peace, but like all religions it has been twisted by many of its fanatical followers to become a symbol of intolerance, hatred and barbarity across the world, as testified by the actions of groups like al Quada, the Taliban, Boko Haram and the Islamic State among others.

The UN Needs To Take Action With A Multi-National Force

The UN Needs To Take Action With A Multi-National Force

There can be little doubt that the whole world is facing a major crisis with terrorism, and it is the whole world that must come together to remove this menace once and for all time. I have said in previous posts that the U.N. must start taking positive action to stamp out the radicals in Islam instead of ‘condemning’ the actions of people like I.S. and Boko Haram etc. If this means forming an international military force to wipe out these people one country at a time then so be it. If such action had been taken against bin Laden after 9/11 we would not be facing the horrors of today.


Whatever your religion, may you live in peace.

Relax, Take A Breath, And Have A Laugh!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Modern World, News, UK with tags , , , , on 14/11/2014 by floroy1942

Thank goodness the weekend is not too far away, and if you have survived the week until now then this will lift your spirits until it gets here.

Kids And Their Questions

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 50, they are like onions.”


“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

Yes.   The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Married life

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that’s where I sleep.


A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!” The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?” And Allah replied, “Who said anything about women?”

If You Have An Itch

They Say If your Palm Is Itching you’ll Get Money, If Your Toes Are Itching you’ll Get New Shoes and also Travel,
If your penis is Itching…? Don’t Fool Yourself … Go To The Doc

Getting Married

I made my girlfriends’ wishes come true by getting married in a castle. Although you wouldn’t have thought it from her face as we were bouncing around.

Good Excuse

Good Excuse

Modern Life

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn’t start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world shit hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun dress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

Keep Smiling.


Get Rid Of Monday Morning Blues

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, England, Europe, Modern World, News, UK, USA with tags , , , on 09/11/2014 by floroy1942

Well, Monday is here again, and that for many people means the Monday blues as they return to work. But I have a little pick-me-up that might help you get over them. There’s nothing like a good laugh to get rid of the blues, so here goes.

A Doctor’s Good Advice:

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terrible, doctor, terrible” the old lady replied.

“Did it not work?” said the doctor.

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?” the doctor asked.

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Five Masculine Moments – You never know what you are letting yourself in for!

The Couch

A friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

1919 Poster

One look is enough to drive men to drink


72 Virgins

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, and then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied, “Who said anything about women?”

Nothing like sharing the work load! 

Work load

The Genie

A Black guy, an Indian, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on Bondi beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

“I can only grant four wishes,” the Genie said. “And since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece.

“Pointing at the Black, he said, “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.”

The Black thought for a moment then said, “I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them away from this white suppression.”

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, “I wish for enough aircraft to take all my people’s back to our homeland!”

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

Finally, the Muslim said, “I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah.”

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, “And what is your wish?”

The Australian watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, looked out to sea as the loaded ships sailed out into the sunset, and watched the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off into the distance.

He said, “Awww … just give me a beer, mate. It doesn’t get any better than this!”

I hope I managed to cheer up your Monday – ‘Til next time


Spain’s ‘Illegal’ Deportations

Posted in Arab, Britain, Environment, European Union, Human Rights, Immigration, News, Spain, UK, United Nations with tags , , , , on 08/11/2014 by floroy1942
Amnesty Internationl

Amnesty International

Spain has recently been castigated by Human Rights Groups complaining to the U.N. and the E.U. about the situation in Cueta and Mellila, two Spanish enclaves on the North African coast. For a long time migrants from many African countries have been trying to get into the Spanish territory in order to get to Europe.

For many months now hundreds of African’s have attempted to scale the 7m fence to gain entry while the Guardia Civil (Border Police), have been trying to hold them back. It is a fact that many running battles have been fought along the wire as the desperate migrants try to get into the Spanish side. Once there they expect to be transported to the mainland of Spain, and when admitted to the E.U. travel on, more often than not to Britain, hence the problems in Calais that hit the headlines recently.

Security Swamped By Those Trying To Get In

Security Swamped By Those Trying To Get In

Of late, the police tactic has been to round up those who manage to cross the fence and they are immediately shipped back to the Moroccan side. Personally I see nothing wrong with that, for both Cueta and Mellia are not very big, about the size of a small town, and just cannot handle the numbers trying to get in.

The Spanish government has been criticised  for passing an amendment to the laws on immigration that would allow all ‘trespassers’ to be immediately sent back to Morocco. But of course this has got the hackles up of the human rights bleeding hearts brigade, for they think these people should all be treated as refugees, given a cup of tea and sent on to wherever in Europe they want to go.



If these people were in charge Europe would be so full that Europeans would be moving out in droves, or there would be open warfare on the streets. However, don’t think I condemn totally the work done by Amnesty International or any of the other groups, for I don’t, I just believe sometimes they start shouting without thinking of the consequences.

Personally I would allow all these migrants in and then assign them to individual members of Amnesty International and the many other rights groups complaining. They would then be charged with taking them into their own homes, and caring and feeding them from their own pockets. Let us then see how long it would take for them to change their stupid minds. These idiots whinge and whine about human rights but do not themselves bear any of the hardship caused by these people. How long before they realize that the growing numbers of migrants just cannot be absorbed by European countries any more.

The Schengen Nations Of Europe

The Schengen Nations Of Europe

It is difficult to control the flow of migrants in Europe because of the Schengen Agreement passed many years ago that did away with internal border checks. We now have free travel all across the European countries without borders or passport checks. This has made life easy for the inhabitants, but makes it almost impossible to control the flow of migrants once they are on the European mainland.

Much of  the problem is caused by the trafficking gangs that operate far and wide in North Africa. They charge $2,000 to $3,000 to get these people to the northern border, and often put them in leaky boats to get them across the Mediterranean Sea. You have to ask how desperately poor people obtain that amount of money to pay these crooks. If they can get such a huge sum why are they trying to get to Europe. In most poor countries such an amount would keep their families fed and cared for for a couple of years. To help stem the flow it really needs an international effort to shut these gangs down.



I do not blame the migrants for seeking a better life in Europe, but somehow, sometime, it has to stop otherwise everything will fall apart. Europe cannot house and feed three quarters of Africa, the Middle East, and Pakistan. At some time in the future the flow has to stop. I do feel sorry for those who are trying to escape persecution and war, but many of them are really economic migrants who come here to Europe to find a job….or get the handouts.

Already Britain is full, with record numbers of unemployed, a collapsing national health and benefit system leading to economic disaster, plus a major housing shortage. We cannot even feed, house and educate our own properly any more because of too many immigrants, and still these bleeding hearts want us to accept more! The same is true in Holland, Belgium, Denmark, France and Germany and many other countries.

Night Crossing

Night Crossing

International law states that migrants may claim domicile in the first country they come to after leaving their own, but that never applies these days. These people pass through several countries to get to northern Europe where they seek a new home. Many are attracted by the generous benefits system of many European countries where their pockets are stuffed full of money without them lifting a finger, like Britain.

Border Guards

Border Guards

It is sad there is so much inequality in the world where in some countries inexcusable wars are being fought, and I can accept that people want to get away from the fighting. But they should be looking to neighbouring countries for help. Unfortunately, Europe is the big magnet for them all. People fleeing the endless secular wars in the Middle East should be finding assistance in other Arab countries, and admittedly some do, but the rich nations like Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Bahrain and Kuwait have all turned their back on these people instead of joining together to do the right thing by people of their own race. Sure, they have refugee camps in places like Jordan by the dozen, but the standards of living in these places are little better than what they left behind because one nation cannot cope with the numbers. If Arabic nations put some serious effort into looking after their own people, perhaps with assistance from the UN and the richer nations, we might see some progress, and it would not be necessary for these desperate people to come all the way to Europe.

Bringing Water To The Desert

Bringing Water To The Desert

With the African nations it is not much different, and I believe nations should be helping these people by improving their life in their own country. In some areas desperate drought means crops cannot be grown and the people starve to death, so what if an international effort were to sort out this problem? By improving life in these places, giving them the tools to be self sufficient we can put an end to the mass migrations of these people. Just imagine that a €0.10 cent tax was imposed on all 741 million people in Europe, this would raise €74.1 million to provide water to the arid areas. Yes I know, that is but a drop in the ocean but how much would you raise over a year? Answer:- €889.2 million. That amount of money would go a long way to redressing the balance in many North African countries when spent wisely.

I just hope that the problems of the world can be successfully sorted out and sanity can once more return to humanity.


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