Time For A Laugh

 Life is what you make it, and to have a good laugh now and then does you good.

Financial Planning

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!


 A Winter Tale

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the wife went out and moved their car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The wife went out and moved their car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…………”  then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”


 One Liners.

I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the side-walk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct answer either.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber  jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway


My First Drink With My Son

I was readings an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – so I had it. Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it. It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.


 Row, Row, Row Your Boat!

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 News Flash from Vancouver…….

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of BC today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Canada, towards Asia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white Canadians who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.

 We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.
 
REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65 !

Hope you liked it.

Roy.

2 Responses to “Time For A Laugh”

  1. I laughed, SO HARD, at the one liner section 😛

    Like

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