Archive for October, 2014

Time For A Laugh

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Germany, News, Senior Citizen, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 31/10/2014 by floroy1942

 Life is what you make it, and to have a good laugh now and then does you good.

Financial Planning

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!


 A Winter Tale

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the wife went out and moved their car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The wife went out and moved their car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…………”  then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time.”


 One Liners.

I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the side-walk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Blacks is not the correct answer either.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber  jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway


My First Drink With My Son

I was readings an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – so I had it. Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it. It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.


 Row, Row, Row Your Boat!

image111

 News Flash from Vancouver…….

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of BC today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from Canada, towards Asia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white Canadians who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.

 We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.
 
REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65 !

Hope you liked it.

Roy.

Worried About Islam – You Should Be!

Posted in Afghanistan, Arab, Britain, Equality, Europe, Human Rights, Islamic Revolution, Muslim, News, Religion with tags , , , , on 30/10/2014 by floroy1942

Someone just sent me an e-mail about the changes in the Muslim world over the past fifty years, and it is an eye-opener. It features photo’s about the changes that have come about regarding women in the Muslim world, and identifies clearly their increased subjugation over the last fifty years. See what you think.

In Iran under the Shah in 1970 life was good for all concerned, especially the women as you see here:

ATT00000

 

Then came the Islamic revolution, and look at it today!

images

Makes you think doesn’t it! Much the same has happened in Afghanistan as you can see here with a photo dated sometime in 1967 and then today.

Afghanistan

And now today:

Today

Egypt is known as a secular nation today, but the changes in the woman’s dress code has had its influence here too. This first picture was taken in 1959.

1959

But today:

2012

However, if you consider this is only restricted to Arab countries you would be wrong. Take a look at Holland in 1980 and now:

1980

And now today:

ATT00001

Life for the women of Islam has changed drastically over the last fifty years as the strict Muslim code for women has been enforced by Muslim men. Even those living in western countries have seen the domination of the Muslim male strangle their freedoms. It is in my view a crime that the freedoms enjoyed by these people fifty years ago have been snuffed out like a candle, and they are now forced to live as little more than slaves to their male masters.

The sad thing is, unless the people of the west wake up and take note of what is going on in our own backyard, this will in years to come apply to us as well.

Roy.

In Canada Is It ‘Hello’ Or ‘Bonjour’?

Posted in America, Canada, Equality, Free Speech, Government, Human Rights, Justice, Modern World, News with tags , , , , on 30/10/2014 by floroy1942

Some people are looking for any excuse to make money through compensation claims these days, but this is one of the worst. Canada as we all know is a duel language country, i.e. English and French, and as you would expect, most people speak both. However, one French speaker and his wife actually sued Air Canada because flight attendants did not speak to them in French.

Compensation Clown

Compensation Clown

Michel and Lynda Thibodeau took Air Canada to court claiming damages because the crew did not respect their right to be served food and drink in their mother tongue i.e. French. I mean really, this is so bizarre as to be comical. Although both were fluent in English, Mr Thibodeau said the airline employees were: “malicious, oppressive and reprehensible” just because they did not speak to them in French. They also claimed staff spoke to them in English while they were booking in.

Air CanadaThey took the airline to court and were initially awarded £8,000 in damages under Canada’s Official Languages Act. But the story does not end there.

Flight Crew

Flight Crew

The airline appealed the decision in the Canadian Supreme Court and won. The judge ordered that the airline must officially apologise to the couple and did not have to pay the compensation.

An Ottowa Bus Driver

An Ottowa Bus Driver

The Thibodeau’s, described as French language ‘extremists’, have tried to get compensation on numerous occasions, one time against the Ottawa Bus Company when a bus driver greeted them with ‘Hello’ instead of ‘Bonjour’ when they boarded a bus.

It seems to me that if they want to be spoken to in French all day every day perhaps they should move to France. I wonder if they would sue an English speaking tourist who asked them the way to the Louvre?

Roy.

Work Fails!

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Modern World, News, UK, USA with tags , on 26/10/2014 by floroy1942

We all know there are idiots around, I mean really, you only have to look around you!

Traffic LIghts

Stacking

Enter

Barrier

Spoons?

Rail

Handrail

Carton

Toilet

Wanted

Sauce

Drawer

Stop

Video

Medal

T Shirt

Phone

Handle

Box

The only excuse I can think of is these guys must have been in a hurry.

Roy.

Time For A Giggle

Posted in America, Britain, British Humour, Canada, England, Europe, Germany, News, UK, USA with tags , , , on 26/10/2014 by floroy1942

Laugh and the world laughs with you, so I hope you enjoy this little offering.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset.
‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

The husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

So the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compass ion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please ….. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

Who the hell is Eric ?

 

Poor Eric

Poor Eric

Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Joy his wife was waiting for him with ………”Where the hell have you been?”

Eric replies “I was getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred quid note tattooed on my willy” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chief Executive get a hundred quid note tattooed on his willy?”

“Well…One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand..

And lastly…  Instead of you going out shopping all the time, now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid any time you want!!”

Eric is presently in the Critical Care Unit. I’m afraid no visitors are allowed until further notice!

URGENT !

Whoever  left  his  wife  at my  place  after last  night’s  BBQ is  asked to  come and get  her  ASAP.

It  is   not  that  she’s a  problem, but  mine is  coming  back  tonight.

Cheers,

Out Cold

Whatever you do, Keep smiling!

Roy.

Is It Really Possible To Live On Mars?

Posted in America, Environment, Health, Insanity, Life in the Universe, Modern World, News, Space, Travel, USA with tags , , , , on 25/10/2014 by floroy1942
Going To Mars

Going To Mars?

I have read with some interest the reports on sending people to live on Mars, and the experiments currently taking place in Hawaii. Although I am not a scientist, it makes me wonder if we are not going too far. The idea that six people could live a sustained life on the Red Planet for many years seems just a bit too ambitious.

Mars Habitat Trial In Hawaii

Mars Habitat Trial In Hawaii

Consider what it would be like. You live in a small habitat (1,000 sq.ft.) with five other people with basically no-where to go. No bars, cinema’s, local shops, parks or even family. You can go outside but only when wearing a spacesuit, and once you get outside what can you do, basically nothing except go for a stroll. In the first few months there will be all sorts of experiments to keep you busy, but when they are finished, what then? You are doomed to spend the rest of your life on this planet because you can’t get back to Earth. I think the average person would go crazy after a few months of this.

Inside The Dome

Inside The Dome

The current experiments in Hawaii are looking at how people will react to one another when cooped up in a single habitat with nowhere else to go. So far there have been two missions of four months each, and two more are planned, one of eight months and one of a year. These experiments will give a good idea of how people react to each other in a small space over a given period.

Cosmic Rays - Earth Is Protected By Its Magnetic Field

Cosmic Rays – Earth Is Protected By Its Magnetic Field

The first challenge will be to get there and still be in sufficient good health to be able to build your habitat. Experience has already shown that prolonged exposure to cosmic radiation, which is everywhere in space, is detrimental to health. NASA has already learnt this from I.S.S. astronauts who stayed on the space station for prolonged periods. Experts consider the longest time a man can be in space is 400 days, and for a woman it is less at 320 days. The strength of cosmic rays is determined by the sun which goes through periods of high and low activity. The more activity the less the rays will penetrate our solar system. The time taken to reach Mars is anything from 131 to 225 days depending on the orbits of Earth and Mars.

So this begs the question, what affects will the cosmic radiation have on the Mars astronauts? Prolonged exposure to cosmic rays will cause radiation sickness and cancer. Will they be fit enough to get out of their capsule and begin building their habitat, or will they even survive long enough to get there? All questions no-one seems to have an answer for.

Let us presume they make it to the landing site, for then comes the next big challenge i.e. building their home. In a Mars atmosphere this could take weeks, and in the meantime they will have to live in their capsule or ship. One would presume that earlier spacecraft had been sent to the planet stuffed with building parts, tools and of course food and water. One can only hope that the craft carrying them will land near enough to those supplies. Imagine if something goes wrong and they land perhaps ten or a hundred earth miles from the supply craft. That could be a disaster. The one thing never to be forgotten is that with any plan, something can always go wrong.

Oxygen Scrubber As Used In Submarines

Oxygen Scrubber As Used In Submarines

Given that everything goes to plan, the habitat is built and they move inside, what then? They are forced to rely on man-made equipment that must keep them alive until either they die of radiation sickness and cancer, old age, or just maybe space science makes sufficient advances to bring them back in maybe ten or twenty years. So far as the habitat is concerned, they will have to rely on oxygen scrubbers to provide them with this necessity and they do work for long periods, like in submarines, but would they last for years on end? Everything has a life when it eventually wears out or something breaks.  Any breakdown in the oxygen system would be catastrophic, for the repair shop is not just around the corner.

ISS Meal - Yummy!

ISS Meal – Yummy!

The next thing that comes to mind is food. Current plans showing the proposed housing unit does not seem to show any space for plants. If that is the case then growing their own vegetables is out of the question. The inhabitants may have to rely on so-called space rations like they use in the space station. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life eating goo from a plastic bag. Can you?

ISS Supplies En Route

ISS Supplies En Route

People living on Mars will also require regular supply rockets in order to keep them alive. Anything can interrupt this which would condemn these people to die. A rocket failure, a tracking failure, even an economic crisis that would prevent such an expensive endeavour, for expensive it would be.

Launch Failure

Launch Failure

Allowing for the twenty four minute delay in radio transmissions to Mars, I can imagine the faces of the Mars crew to hear that their next supply ship has crashed on the launchpad. I for one would certainly not volunteer for something like this and I don’t think any sane person would. There are many experts who are of the opinion that this project is impossible from a practical viewpoint and it may be cancelled, but we will have to wait and see.

Moon Landing

Moon Landing

There is a saying; “Don’t run before you can walk”, which seems to aptly describe this current endeavour. It would make more sense to try this on the moon before attempting to put people on Mars. At least it doesn’t take ten months for anything to get there, communication is much better and it would not be as expensive. Most important though, is that it would be possible to retrieve people if the whole experiment went wrong. Perhaps someone should give this some thought.

Roy.

Having A Bad Day? This Will Cheer You Up!

Posted in America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Europe, Modern World, News, Spain, UK, USA with tags , , , , on 23/10/2014 by floroy1942

Feeling stressed? Then you need to unwind and let it all go. I hope the following will help and make your day just that little bit better.

Cartoon

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terrible, doctor, terrible” the old lady replied.

“Did it not work?” said the doctor.

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” “Then what is the problem, ma’am?” the doctor asked.

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Cartoon

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Cartoon

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?” Mick looked around him: “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Cartoon

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars” the waitress says. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free,” says the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds.

Have a nice Day!

Roy.

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